Whenever I say February, I always think FebruANY, like the Subway slogan you know? Well I have been a busy busy busy busy bee lately. And that's how we stay happy and healthy anyway! So HOLY SHIZ I stopped nursing. It was a big deal...because it was hard for both of us. I tried to slowly wean him, and honestly its the way I'm going to do it every time. I didn't know that was the way to do it but, it was a painless unemotional (well mostly) weaning. Nobody talks about nursing pre-parenting. And it just hits you like a freight train. Massive swollen chest, nips from burning H*ll and you might as well not even wear a shirt the first 10 days after delivery due to constant eating from your newly emerged little person. But then it becomes something you both benefit from. Its a moment where you sit down together and look at each other and one gets a full tummy and the other gets a break from life and a chance to remember why you love this little person that depends on you for their life. For me personally I started slowing down around 10 months with intentions of ending around his 1 year mark. But, when 1 year came, neither of us were ready. He wanted to nurse all the time, and I tried to stop a few times but emotionally caved. Then we were at 16 months all the sudden...and I realized man, maybe he would stop waking up in the night if we took away that option of breastfeeding. And really I was only nursing him roughly 1-2 times every 24 hours, so it was a slow slow progression. We started with a nap bottle, then 3 months later a night bottle. So...we stopped and had no pain in the chesties, and not much fight from the baby.
I just realized some of you don't give a cahooty about boobs and breastfeeding, but ... its whats happening in my brain and heart and soul right now, so endure through my motherhood spill.
Anyway, so we did it, and I wouldn't have done it if it weren't for Brad's motivation. He FINALLY started getting up with him in the night, and has ever since, and guess what now 80% of the time he sleeps through the night, and if he wakes up, we give him teething tablets and then he goes right back to sleep. By we, I mean Brad, because the first night I didn't nurse him, I went to get up and Brad clotheslined me with his arm and said, "No, I'll go." Then I knew it was really over. He pulled and still pulls on my shirt when he is hungry, but then I say, "Want some food?" And he says, "Ya!" Then he runs to the kitchen, so its easily re-directed. Except the other day, he got hurt and was hungry, and he pulled on my shirt and I said, "No more milkies-remember you are a big boy now." Then he was so sad and cried so hard, and it hurt my heart. But seriously I cannot nurse him till he is 2. Because honestly he would just nurse for like 5 minutes then cuddle with me. I was seriously scared he wouldn't cuddle with me anymore, but I think my fears of that are over, because he comes over to me all day long and climbs up on my lap, gives me a hug, pats my back, gives me an open mouthed tongue kiss, then jumps down and his on his way back to playing/destroying our house.
Enough about boobs. We seriously are busy, and I have a love/hate with it. I play basketball right now with the stake-which I really wanted Lubbock to have basketball, so I just went to the top and got it put together, and its a blast! And I am also playing with Brad's Med School Co-ed team, which is kinda weird and I feel super out of place, because I'm a mom and 25, and they are all like 22 and have no clue what to talk to me about. Last game a kid asked me how long my labor was....A normal single guy would never ask a girl that, but since they are med students and not fellow moms, they don't ask me what words my baby is saying, but yet....."Did you have an episiotomy" is a normal question for them to ask a post pregnant lady.
I also teach Yoga for our relief society and anyone else who wants to come, at the church once a week. Then I have preschool 2ce a week, then of course Brad and I are Primary teachers as well. And soccer starts on Monday. Oh and I have been cleaning for this girl in our ward for $$ and that has been a weekly thing as well. Brad has church ball, and intramural ball, and med school, and he also has the job of being a good husband and dad. So we are just a busy family. But last week I had a melt down. Just a melt down. Then I swear I have angels.....because right then it hit me that man....I have an amazing husband who loves me and an amazing life that most people never have the chance to have. So I needed to stop, stop stressing about money, stop whining about my husband being gone, and CHANGE my attitude. And I did. And I have. I am still a normal person, I'm not like fake perma smile (you know those people are going crack at any moment) but I have changed my attitude. I am not sad that Brad is gone everyday including weekends until 10 pm studying his bum off, instead I make the most of my time with him and stay busy when he is gone. And even then I just seriously had a transformation, which is really what I needed for my stress ness. And we just made some decisions that will help my stress level and I am just a happier person. Why did it take me this long to realize it?
And on that note, Miles and I have been having so much fun. Just yesterday when I tried on 3 different pants that were all high waters on him, I finally settled on the least amount of high water pants.. it hit me, he is so big. He is so grown up. I tell him to throw away his own diapers now. What?!!! This is a whole new level of motherhood. He has so much personality. He is so feisty. Today was so warm and Brad was studying at the library, so we met him at a nice park nearby him and we played and ate dinner there, and we were going back to the car, and Miles was NOT done at the park, so Brad grabbed his hand and said, "Ok let's go bubye." Miles immediately dropped to the floor on his bum. So Brad tried to pick him up and Miles wound up both his arms back and double smacked Brad in the face. This is his classic move when he is mad. I wouldn't let him have my phone in Costco today, so he double slapped me as I was trying to tell him no no, we are going to go to the car. He doesn't blood curdle scream, but yet just hit you. So we are working on it still. Today I was babysitting and giving all the kids horsey rides, and William (his friend who is his same age) was on my back, and Miles came up to him and grabbed his hair with both hands and pulled it so he pulled his head off. I was in a tough spot because William was on my back, Miles was pulling him off, I couldn't grab William without Miles ripping his hair out, and so I just kept saying, "LET GO MILES" He wouldn't let go so I just flipped William off my back, swept Miles up and put his face in mine and said, "WE DO NOT PULL HAIR!" NOT NICE! Then put him in his crib. I held William and kissed his battle wounds. Then went and got Miles out who was standing in his crib with a sad face. Then he hugged me and kissed me, and we went and hugged and kissed William. And we also soft petted his hair several times.
He also can be really nice on that note. He is good at sharing with other kids even when I wish he wouldn't offer them his sucker. When somebody takes his toy, he usually just looks at them for awhile then goes on his way. When he sees a friend that he plays with he usually yells and runs and starts talking jibberish to them and gets so excited and kinda crouches down and says, "Hiiiiiiiiya" Then goes up to them and pats them several times. He loves playing with older kids, he follows them around and laughs when they jump off of our couch onto the love sac. And he does the funniest thing when they aren't looking at him, he goes up to them and bends down tries to get them to make eye contact with him, then once they see him he says some jibberish with 'yep' mixed in and goes on his way.
He loves fire trucks (PS I just keep going because I am waiting for my pictures to upload...which may never happen because its frozen...yuck) and he says WEEEoh WEEoh and we seem to always see fire trucks and ambulances when we are driving, even once in the middle of the night when I was nursing we heard one and he stopped nursing, looked at me half asleep and said, "wee oh wee oh". Anyway he loves them, and is so star struck when he sees them, so I told Brad, when is the next time we can get him a fire truck that makes the sound and lights up? We decided Easter. Then I was walking around Target and I found a nice expensive one, I called Brad (because I think of any excuse to call him when he is studying and sometimes he even says -Brit don't call me about that, just text- I should respond to him, You have no idea how much I wish you were home right now so I could eat cereal on the couch with you while we watch Miles throw the ball at our faces 100 MPH-) anyway I called Brad and I said, "How's Valentines for the fire truck?" Then we knew we started something great...gifts for our children on valentines as well as each other....this is going to get pricey. Anyway, Miles loved his fire truck. Brad told me we were going to go to sushi (my fav) and so he said we weren't getting each other expensive gifts. And, he said he had bought my gift so don't look at the bank online statements, he said he spent $12.00. So I framed a poster of Pink Floyd which I got him forever ago and we have hung it on the wall with teacher tack. I thought he would get mad at me for spending 30 on him. So that was a thoughtful med school budget gift.
He didn't tell the truth.
Flights were super cheap to Utah 2 days before Valentines and I really wanted to go for end of May beginning of June to see my brother's graduation and just hang out with my family. I called and texted him asking him if I could book, because we had this plan that I was going to go early so he could study for his big test. He kept saying we would talk when he got home. Okay then.
He came home from school early and I asked him about booking right away. He kept saying he was starving and wanted to eat right away. He kept asking me to please heat up the food. I went to the fridge opened it and found a toy boat that said, June 8th....
Cruise. I ran to him kissed him and said, where are we going!! Thank you! Love you!
Then the feelings rushed in....Miles, money....etc.
He worked it all out with help from our family. So again, no stress. Then I felt stupid for my gift.
We are going to drive to Galveston, TX, then cruise to Cozumel Mexico, Belize, and Honduras.
Brad served his mission in Honduras and we wanted to go back for the temple dedication, but that didn't happen so now we are just going to be on the coast, but it will be fun anyway to say he went back. Leaving Miles is going to be hard, and he will probably have to do some serious convincing to get me to not just bring him last second. But this will be good for us, and this break will be much needed after this year of medical school. And it will be right after his big test which helps decide what kind of doctor he can be. He wants to do orthopedic surgery, so he needs to do well on the test to be competitive in residencies, come application for residency time. So, he started studying for it what seems like forever ago, but probably beginning of last summer. And studies every day for it. I think I have said this on my blog before, but geez it just is a big part of our life right now. And I have confidence and faith he will be the doctor he is supposed to be, so I know the Lord will guide us in that department so I don't stress about that, I just stress about his stress. If that makes sense. Anyway it will be a much needed vacation. And I won't be pregnant or nursing, which is probably not going to last long! Our trip to Cancun before med school I was 5 months preggers. Which was still amazing and fun and the perfect time to go because I was still super mobile and had no symptoms other than swelling-notha story.
He also got us couples massages. Because my back has been hurting a lot lately. We will go later and its going to be hilarious on so many levels. But so thoughtful of him. He walked away the winner for that holiday gift giving.
Well...if you read this I'm picture free for now, because something bad happened in the upload, so I will post and add pics laters.
Valentine's Day was a romantic fun time. We had our friends babysit and we went to a sushi steakhouse, and then walked around Costco, then had Pie bar for dessert. We laughed as I sat on his lap in the one seater chair to take a picture of us together. We knew people probably thought we were so high school, but we had a romantic blast.
Ta ta. Literally...because most of this post was about breastfeeding. Gross.... I'm being gross. Its late. Good night.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
(Unloading and loading the dishwasher is a daily deal-as well as turning it on and off, resulting in dishes being washed several times)
You obviously can tell that my New Year's resolution wasn't to post on my blog....
I don't know why I have been in a hiatus but hopefully I'm back! Life here in Lubbock has been good. It's warmer, but too windy to be outside much..kind of really frustrating because it will be 55 degrees and then I try to go jogging in the stroller and its more like running in place. The wind is discouraging. And somehow I don't feel great about the dirt and more dirt blowing in the air and Miles and I sucking for our oxygen around all the dirt.
Our days in Lubbock are spent reading books, throwing balls, running errands, visiting museums, libraries, grocery stores, and trying to keep a never ending motor busy.
Miles also goes to a babysitter while I teach preschool on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Sometimes he cries a little, but sometimes he doesn't even care. He seems to stay busy and not notice I am not there while he is with them, which is good, he is self entertaining.
We have started saying prayers with him every night before he goes to bed, and he seriously is so cute. He kneels, folds his arms and bows his head, and holds it for a pretty long time, before we peek at him during the prayer and he is standing, looking up at Brad smiling, like what the heck are you doing Dad? He probably thinks its some game we play with him.
(Clapping as I am trying to get him to hold still for one un-blurry picture)
As for Mr. Cheeky Bear.....A lot has been happening. He is growing too fast. He is good at saying a lot of words, or should I say repeating a lot of words, but the best is when he tries really hard and just resorts to jibberish. Works for me.
We stay busy without going crazy. I was looking back at my blog post (pre marriage) and man, how I have changed. I just don't even know what to say about my married self..maybe to worry less. Maybe to have more fun and not worry what people think. Maybe just be myself, and not stress so much. Man... looking back was inspirational. I also learned that I was a lot better at blogging.
But, on the more positive note, I'm more grown up, I'm nicer to people (I used to honk a lot more), I love a lot deeper, I have had amazing experiences. And I am no longer alone. And, I have an eternal family of my own....so things are good. :)
So looking at my life now from a bird's eye view.....its hard but its also so rewarding. I live in a new place, have all new friends that I didn't know before, and have reconstructed my life here.
(After going to the petting zoo with our friends we hit up Five Guys. William and Miles are best friends-despite Miles trying to push him off)
(My attempts at getting a picture with all three of them looking)
(Completely failed on three levels-Miles, William (born exactly a week apart) and Riggs -William's big bro)
Today Miles smacked me right across the cheekbone with a wide open palm in church. He really connected. So hard, so painful. Then as I looked him in the eye and said, "You need to be soft to your mama." He took his little hands and caressed my face slowly starting at my hair and down to my neck. He did it 3 times. Then I knew that my job as a mother is important and loving and teaching him is important. Just as my parents loved and taught me to make me the woman I am today, to help me become an influential individual in this life. And now the role has fallen into my lap, and sometimes (mostly all the time) its so overwhelming.
Brad studies a lot. His schedule is so hard on him. Being honest with you, it hurts my heart to see him not be himself. I catch glimpses of him here and there but he mostly is a zombie. It makes me feel like I am on a ferris wheel, going around and around and around, knowing that we will get off soon, but also feeling a little sick.... Not that we aren't happy here, we are...its just a new life. Maybe its harder this week because its test week, and he is studying for his big test called Step-which he takes in June-a day before his birthday. So he has to study for school and Step-I mean apparently they coincide but, mostly it just feels like he is always saying the dreaded words "k I gotta go study now." After an hour of bliss Miles and I playing chase with him, and laughing and climbing on each other and tickling and teasing...then he studies and Miles and I play alone or get ready for bed, or cook dinner, or whatever task is at hand. Its lonely for us.
(Which one should I choose?)
Sometimes I feel like I fall short for Miles, I feel like my lack of a husband sometimes makes me tired, and I may not be the mom I should be, but I find that if we stay busy with activities we are both happier. I look forward to moments we can spend together and I know we will look back on this time in life and say, "Remember when we were in med school, so poor, so young, so naive" I know we will do that, but right now it feels in my face. Right up in my grill. Sorry this post is so real, sorry-not-sorry.
But I am growing so much here, and coming back from Christmas break was really really hard for me. We spent the majority of the time with my family, and as we were driving away, I just started to sob, usually I try to hold back because Brad says weird things to me like, "Oh are you crying!?" Then I feel like he is making fun of me for being too sensitive. Then I just feel stupid. But I didn't care and I just really started crying, and crying talking, which made me cry harder. I am not sure what I was crying for the most, that I was going to have to come back to Texas to where I see my husband in spurts, or the fact that I am alone here as far as family goes, or that my family is missing Miles growing up, or a combination. Either way, it was hard leaving.
Miles is 16 months and 10 days. And he really is growing up so fast. He thinks anything with wheels says wee oh wee oh, like a fire truck. And he is star struck when we see a fire truck or ambulance drive by in real life. He gets so excited about simple things, and he teaches me that life is to be filled with emptying drawers and cupboards, and flushing the toilet 50xs in a row, giving kisses liberally with the mouth open and the tongue out, music is really the best medicine, dance to any song you hear, throw anything that gets in your hands, even if you don't know the words to a book just read it out loud, holding hands with stranger kids at the park is okay, playing peekaboo with strangers is okay, unrolling all the toilet paper rolls is normal and quite enjoyable.
(Park time-this is right after I set him down after getting him out of the car, he booked it to the playground)
(Then very little playing went on as we watched the basketball players)
(Climbing through a tunnel and FREEZING)
(How most of our park trips go)
Life is a busy roller-coaster of emotions with him, and he is the best thing I ever did aside from marrying his dad. That sentence made me tear up-and I'm not even on my period. I know that this portion of our lives is hard on me, and I know that its hard on Brad, but its making our relationship better, and stronger, and its making me lean on him. I am so lucky to have amazing friends here, and have people to do things with, and that I really love and care about who are going through the exact same thing I am going through, and we love getting together because we can RELATE to each other.
Back to Miles.
When I look back on memories of this age, I want to remember him coming to the church after I taught the weekly relief society yoga class in his zip up onesie jammies, Brad dropping him off to me so Brad can play bball with the med school guys after my yoga. I want to remember Miles running down the hallway of the church with his cute little run and running too fast that he falls and slides on his tummy, then just stands up and runs again. I want to remember him coming out of time out after hitting me in the face and crying and clinging to me and laying his head on my shoulder and then turning on his own and open mouth kissing me while he holds my head with his hands. I want to remember him wanting Brad to spin him in the blanket over and over again, and laying down on it then kicking his legs and laughing because he is so excited. I want to remember him strategically getting a block positioned in his hand as he stacks block upon block. Then he spazes both hands and swings them back and forth as he knocks them over. I want to remember him wanting to get down so bad at church and writhing and spinning in my lap as I sweat trying to keep him in my lap during sacrament. I want to remember how he stands on his little car and just looks at me as if to say, look mom, I could fall at any moment. I want to remember how much he loves being outside, how he loves throwing balls, how he loves just running all over the place. I want to remember how everyday he pulls out book by book, and if it doesn't suit his needs he flings it sideways, and if it is what he is looking for he turns it right side up and jibberish reads it, as he sits on top a mountain of books. I want to remember him nursing and tickling my arm as he nurses, and putting his hand in my mouth and me biting it and him thinking its so funny.
(Getting anything done in my house takes all day. This pile of laundry took me all day to fold and put away. Like 9 AM to 5 PM all day. I kept folding and he kept unfolding).
(He thinks he's king of the mountain)
(Always balls all around our house. Right now sitting on the couch I can see four)
(He was riding his car, right after we were playing with his Thomas the Trains, then Thomas the Train was on TV and he sat in this position for like 15 minutes. It was AMAZING! He loved seeing the wee oh wee ohs on tv)
I want to remember him in each day, and every moment, I want to take a picture of him, I want someone to film our lives so I never forget all the sweet things and moments we have together as a family. If you follow me on instagram, you may see that I have a lot of posts or pictures, but you should know that I have to clean off my phone like seriously once a month, and I probably only post 10 of those 500 pictures.
He is our joy, and is my joy during this phase of our lives. And as I think about what I can do that makes me happy, its doing fun things with him and Brad. Doing things that we will remember forever. I may be my tiredest and poorest, but I definitely am at my best. Being a mom is a true joy on so many levels.
(I have been wanting to paint with him for a long time but have been
too lazy too busy :) Today he had a hard time grasping we paint the paper, after much attempts he started dipping the paper in the paint...and he kept looking at his hands, he even tried to grab the paint with his clean hand and take it off his hand. His mind was probably spinning).
(Here he is trying to grab the paint-we had a big mess to clean up afterwards, and blue tub water, but it was so worth his new experience.)
I realize now that this post is not at all what I expected, but its what I needed. If anything I want to look back on these posts and see my life during that phase, which is what I got today.
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Christmas finally meant something this year to little cheek bear.
I was so tired and lazy on Christmas day to actually take pictures of him on our steps (the tradition) that I had to take them after we got back to Texas.
My laziness was justified, as he had thrush and that may have been one of the many worst nights we have had with him....he was miserable and wouldn't sleep at all, and had white patches all over his mouth. Poor thing. I tried everything....and Brad and I were so sleep deprived we couldn't see straight!
This is what my house looks like Christmas morning. My mom does Christmas bags for everyone...saves the wrapping. And the trees.
Miles loved his car. It was and is probably the best toy ever for him. Buttons, wheels, and ride on, put things in the trunk, push, so many options.
He rode it all over my parents house. We drove to Utah with this....it was worth the space it took.
My house is full of surprises...along with huge horses that just let you sit on them.
This is before Christmas in Texas...no matter what I do I try to get his eyes open. Not possible with the flash.
So here is our blurry boogery Christmas picture.
Brad took his test early so we could go to his best childhood friend's wedding in Midway Utah.
It was beautiful.
Aj and Brad.
We may have been freezing but it was so pretty!
Reception...Miles just wanted to dance the entire time.
Having fun with uncle Alex in Provo, riding in a box!
Christmas was fun, and I always have a really hard time coming back to Texas. Somehow I do it, and we have been here a year and a half, and its going by so fast!