Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Birth Story of Miles Clark

I am not sure how even to start this post. I am not sure how to even explain to you what happened that day. I mean I know people write their birth stories all the time...
If you just want the jist of what happened I'll put that right here up top.
If you want my version and what I thought and felt I'll put that below.
I had Brad take one last prego picture at 5 AM hour.
I had never been more scared in my life.

But at the same time, never more ready.

Ready to go get this baby outta me and into my arms.

I had def. swelled to my potential. Don't worry I've lost 20 pounds plus since this picture :) Brad couldn't shake the tired face no matter what we did.

6AM Sept 14th checked in.
6:30 AM Pitocin started.
2:09 AM Sept 15 Miles was born.

Alright now I can start with the real story. And just know it seems painful and maybe just all about pain and hurt the first chunk, but it gets thousands times better after we hurdle over the first 12 hours of labor. And this story may be a rough draft, it has taken me 11 days to write it, and I write it with so many tears in my eyes, so if you don't make it through, its okay I'll never know, I just knew I had to write it for my journal, for my memory sakes. Also, I haven't read through it, so ignore anything confusing/typoed. But enjoy the birth story of our little baby.
I didn't sleep the night of Sept. 13th.
I woke up so many times worrying that my baby wasn't going to be okay. Babies are born all the time healthy, but I just worried my baby would not be. I think every mom does. And I think if I say it out loud it will happen. But that night I cried when Brad held me and he told me he knew it would be okay.
Deep down I think I knew, but I was scared that if I kept my hopes up, then I would be ultra devastated if something did go wrong.
A few doctor appointments ago, my doctor said, "You seem like you could cry if I said the right thing."
Then I started to cry.
I said, "You said the right thing!" Through tears and chuckles.
He went on to reassure me this was an emotional time, especially where my family was not here, and my husband wasn't always here physically and sometimes my husband was here but not really here because of his stress and worries with school. And he told me I was strong physically and emotionally and no matter what I could get through this child birth thing.
And I did. I did get through it.
We had the alarm set for 5:00 A.M. but it really didn't matter because I finally got out of bed after lying awake forever at 4:30 A.M. and I straightened my hair, because I didn't know what else to do.
As we gathered everything up to go, it was really surreal and I was trying not to cry, but I was shaking the entire time.
Some women don't know when they are going into childbirth and it just happens, but because my mom had been here since the 11th, and she was leaving the 17th, and I was 4 days overdue (Due date Sept 10) we pre-scheduled this induction in case I did go overdue. I so badly wanted to go into labor by myself, and I wanted to do it without any pain medications, and I wanted it to be fast, like one of those 3 hour stories, or even 12 hours would have been great. But, it wasn't. And you can't plan anything this special. You can't plan when your son is going to be put into your arms for the first time, you really can't even plan how it is going to feel, nor can you prepare yourself for it.

We drove to the hospital, we checked in, I remember driving down the street by our house thinking...next time I come home, I will have a baby boy. Even thinking that, I had no idea what this baby boy would do to me.
HOSPITAL
We checked in and we met our nurse Kristle, and I had a doula, but her mom had a surgery so she apologized that I was going to have to have an add in doula, Kara. Which was fine, I was fine and dandy. Pitocin was in and rolling, and Brad stayed with me while Dr. Y (our obgyn) checked in on us. He was just in his clinic taking appointments that day, so he just ran up and checked on me every once in awhile. Brad and I had talked about how I would be induced at 6 AM, then he would go to class at 8 till noon. Dr. Y reassured him he wouldn't miss the labor because I was CLOSED, and not effaced when they started the pitocin. But Brad still wouldn't leave. He had told me adamentally that he would have to go, he couldn't miss this lab, and then when it came down to it, I had to kick him out so he would go. I think we were just in shock that our little baby was coming, and he saw me all hooked up to the IV and it hit him, that he was going to be a dad. He kept looking at the clock and saying, okay I'll leave at 7:45. Then that time came and he said, okay I'll leave at 8:00, okay I'll leave at 8:30.
Finally, I said, "Brad just go, nothing is happening here!"
So he kissed me on the lips and off he went with his 80 pound blue backpack to his anatomy lab to cut up cadavers.

Then I started having contractions.
They weren't bad, just annoying at first.
When Brad got back at noon, I was in some pain.

I met my doula and she was super nice. 
The nurse Kristle who set me up had to leave at 7 AM. She apologized she wouldn't be there to meet Miles because her shift was over.
Okay so I made Brad write stuff down in my journal at about 11 PM that night.
At 7 we started the oxytocin (pitocin) and it was 2 ml. It can go up to 40. We started small and increased it every 15 minutes by 2.

Brad got back at noon. Doctor Y checked me and I was dilated to 2 cm (unpro childbirthers, I have to be 10cm (cervix) and 100% effaced (thinned cervix) before I can push and deliver). 
So I am looking at the journal and Brad wrote 'Really Bad Pain!'
That is his version of, "Oh my gosh, I had no idea how bad this was going to be."
I felt good that I was at 2 cm. I had progressed. I came in at 0, and progressed to 2 cm, this means I could keep progressing and have him in no time.
So I held off on the epidural. Dr. Y said, he would come back at 5 to check me again.
I wanted so badly to see if I could have Miles without the epidural. And by golly nobody was going to convince me otherwise. My mom stayed home and cooked and cleaned until she brought Brad some food. I couldn't eat food but I didn't really mind because I just ate popsicles and like I said I was in some sort of shock, or man I gotta accomplish something today who cares about anything else mood.
Noon to 5 was the longest gap of my life. The doula was rubbing my back, brought me a birthing ball, which was wonderful. I bounced on it and tried to pretend I wasn't in labor. Then when those contractions came I zoned out and closed my eyes and just powered through them. I was determined to make it to 5. Brad begged me to get the epidural. My mom was crying in the background, and telling everyone to be quiet every time I went into the trance of a contraction. She looked at me like I was dying, and just kept saying to get one it would make everything better.
But no, I kept my word to myself I would wait until that 5 o'clock check. I knew I was going to be 7cm or something great like that. Something so close to pushing. I knew it. These babies couldn't hurt this bad and not be producing some dilation in my cervix. COME ON!!!
CERVIX
As I left the birthing ball at 5 PM and climbed on the bed to be checked. I was covered in sweat, so much for my straightened hair it was all wavy with sweat and craziness. 
As the doctor checked me, I would like to say it was all roses and butterflies as I was smiling happiness, but that hurt so bad to have him shove his fingers up there and twist around to see how dialated I was. I just shook and cried silently while I clenched at Brad's arm.

Okay, doctor that pain had better tell me some good news.

Doctor Y said, "I have bad news."

You are still at 2 cm.

I just said, "No, no no no no."
Then I started painfully crying. I thought I could do this. I thought I could endure this pain.
He said, "Now Brittany, you have got some options here."
And he went on to tell me that I could either go home, and they could try another day because my body wasn't really responding to the induction. Or he said, I could stick it out till the early morning when I probably would actually have the baby. He went on to say that it would be 15 plus more hours of labor at this rate, and I was already at 34ml of pitocin and I could only go up to 40ml. He said it was going to be long and arduous and I needed to make a decision. As I lay there in bed with my mom, Brad, the doula, and the nurse staring at me. I just said, "You guys decide for me." Please decide. I can't do this.
My brain was so foggy at this point and Brad said, "You are getting the epidural and we are doing this."
The nurse said, "You don't have to decide right now."
I said," I don't want to get the epidural now, it will just make me lay in bed and not be able to move around or go to the bathroom for 15 more hours."
The doctor said he would come back at 7 PM.
My mom thought she would document my pain.
As I look at this, I don't even really remember those five hours of hell pain, its like it didn't even happen to me. But it did :) And I am here to tell the story and loveliness of it.

Everybody left for a time being except Brad and my mom.
Brad had to help me go to the bathroom because I had all sorts of things connected to me, and if I hit a contraction when I was standing up it was bad news and I would probably fall. And I did have a bracelet on that said in black bold letters FALL RISK. So I went to the bathroom in between my contractions, and as I was peeing and Brad was holding my arms.  The entire time I told Brad not to give me sympathy because it made me just break down into tears from the pain, and if he pretended they weren't happening, I could ignore them and pretend this wasn't happening to me. But I had a contraction as I was sitting there peeing. And since he was there next to me and I felt his warm arms and hands on my arms, and I knew how much he loved me and cared about me, and I felt his worry and his feeling of not being able to help me, and I almost felt bad for him, that I was torturing him like this and I didn't have to. I didn't have to make him watch me go through this pain. I could just get the epidural, stop trying to be tough, and make this a more enjoyable experience. I began to shake and cry and it was like all this pain had hit me at once. And he looked at me and said, "We are done, you are getting something Brit, please."
NARCOTICS
So I agreed to something.
I went back to my ball and I agreed to get the narcotics. 
As we communicated with the nurse she said that if we got the narcotics we had to wait an hour or something, and if they didn't work I had to wait to get the epidural. So it was about 6:30 P.M. and Brad kept saying, Brit what if the narcotics don't work, then we will have to wait longer for the epidural?
And then I had a contraction, and it made me shake and cry and I had been enduring labor for 12 hours now and I was just ready to collapse. If the baby came right then I don't think I would have had one ounce of energy to push him out. I was exhausted, my hair was wet with sweat, and I hadn't had food since that morning I had a few bites of waffle, and then tack on the 10 or so popsicles. Exhausted and full of fatique. And honestly I knew that 7:00 PM check was coming and I knew it was going to be bad news=no dilation. And those checks hurt worse than you could ever imagine. I was on dosage 36ml of pitocin, the highest being 40ml. So this unnatural labor was really kicking my butt. So Brad kept saying, "Brit can you please get the epidural?" "Please, why aren't you getting it?" "You have experienced 12 hours of labor, and you are tough, you are so tough, now just get it, your body is hurting and you can make it better." Then finally I just said, "Okay."

Then it was like there was a fire.
Brad pretty much yelled to the nurse, "She agreed, lets get the anesthesiologist."
Then the nurse whisked her way out and after one more contraction and through my pounding head and gritted teeth I heard a voice say, "Looks like its time for the epidural."
He had me sit on the edge of the bed. My medical school husband MS1 is what Dr. Y calls him, had to see what was happening. So I am holding my doula's and nurse's hands, as I power through these every minute and 1/2 contractions. Not to mention this man who was awfully cheery and sarcastic was sticking a giant needle in my back, and just right at the perfect timing my blood pressure cuff was going off every 3 minutes just during that time (it normally goes off every 30 min!) Perfect.
EPIDURAL
So I'm dealing with mind numbing contractions/horrible pain, a needle going in my back and having to hold still/stupid annoying blood pressure cuff.
So I'm fighting the contractions and trying not to move. The best way to describe my mindset at this point is numb, numb to reality, numb to the pain, and numb to my surroundings.
Apparently epidurals are really simple and he said he has done thousands successfully.
Luckily I got to be the one abnormal one.
He was explaining everything to Brad as it happened, he said he had to fish the needle down, and then you would hear a pop. The whole time he was fishing in there it hurt so bad. Sharp sharp pain.
I told him it hurt and he was probably skeptical because he told me it wasn't supposed to hurt. He seemed cautious and quiet after that. Then when I cringed he would just say, "Okay that's okay we are scraping bone now." YA THATS NORMAL!!! Then he told me he was done, and he was going to suck the air out, or put air in, I don't know I'm the wrong person to be writing this, Brad knows all the terminology and if you want exact details of what wrong, you can ask him.
So he did the air thing and I felt a pain down my right leg from my back like you would not believe. I love trying to explain pain in writing. I am the only one who really knows how it felt, but you can try to imagine your worst pain and compare it to this entire experience. But just know this birth story gets much much better after this epidural mishap. So I jumped and grunted all at the same time, because I was having a contraction, which I completely zone out for, then I had this shooting pain. And Mr. Epidural said, "Really?"
Like he was concerned. Like he had just paralyzed me. Like he had just made the biggest mistake of his life. He then said, "That doesn't happen." Something was wrong.
And through my head it was these thoughts:
Okay, I'll just have to deal with being paralyzed, I can do it, Brad will still love me.
Will I be paralyzed from the waist down or hips down? Will just one leg be immobile?
So he then said, "Sorry but we have to do this again."
And I couldn't even move with it in my back, if I moved a hair it was a sharp sharp pain.. So I knew something had to be wrong. Everything I heard about Epidurals I knew you weren't supposed to feel pain from them, they were the almighty pain reliever.
So at this point, I was ready to pass out. I may have even blacked out who knows. I just said quickly and quietly, "Brad". As I motioned with my hand. He ran over from my back side to the front of the bed and the nurse and doula let go of my and Brad quickly replaced them. I think I may have started to cry right here. This quick epidural was taking too long, and I was too weak to go through that again. But I still remember grabbing onto Brad's forearms as he grabbed onto mine, and this still makes me tear up because in my life with Brad I have a few times where I know he has the deepest part of my heart and I love him more than words could ever explain, and this, this was one of those moments where I knew he is my half, he is my deepest love. His arms were warm and instantly I was relieved from worrying about being paralyzed to knowing it was going to be okay because he was there with me. Now, if you have experienced childbirth, I don't know how it was for you, but I felt it was the most painful, emotional, and wonderful time I have ever had in my life. And this moment of comfort Brad provided was all I needed to make it through the needle one more time.
It was successful and didn't hurt at all, which means something was REALLY wrong with that first one, and I count my blessings everything went okay. I count my blessings everyday as I hold my sweet little baby as Brad rubs my hand in his. But that's a sneak preview to the joy later on.
Thats a perfect title:
JOY
After the epidural, it was instant relief. I could think again, and I wasn't constantly in a trance either waiting for the next one, or in the current one. I was in bed now, goodbye birthing ball, you offered some great relief. Now I just started laughing when I felt pressure in my abdomen but no pain. I just laughed, and I said, "Oh my goodness I could kiss that man on the lips."
I also said, "Why didn't I do this 10 hours ago?"
My mom, the nurse, the doula, and especially Brad laughed and had a 'I told you so' look on their faces.
CERVIX
 So shortly after the epidural guy walked out, in walked Dr. Y for his 7:00 check. This was a much different check, it wasn't sullen and sad. It was lively I was up and talking and joking, and the whole room atmosphere had changed. I stopped looking at concerned and worried faces, and I saw relieved and happy faces. Especially in my husband. Now I am glad I went through real labor, but next time, I'm not doing that to him, nor am I putting my body through that again. But apparently nobody really can endure 12 hours on pitocin because most women go into labor faster on it, but since I was closed and not effaced when we started, it was a long haul.
So now I was up to the full throttle of 40ml of pitocin. Dr. Y checked me, and I was still a 2! But I didn't really care at this point because all I could feel was pressure and some pain, but I could escape that by pressing a little button, which I only did sparingly because I wanted to be able to still have feeling in my legs and feel the contractions to push him out.
I was more effaced and DR. Y said I was almost a 3, but still a 2.
He said he would come back at 11 PM to check and that it was going to be a 5 AM birth. So hang in there for the long haul.
Brad decided he would go home and shower, and my doula Penny, who didn't think she could make it, she actually did make it, and my nurse Kristle who didn't think she would be here either, was actually back on shift. So doula stayed with me and we both just kinda lay silently. I think she fell asleep cuz I could hear her breathing, but I sure didn't.  But it felt good just to lay in the bed on my side and relax after my long day. I was ready for it to be over. I was ready to hold him.
WATER BREAK
Brad came back around 9 I believe and it was just me and him in the room and I told him I felt nauseous, he went on to ask me how I was doing, and I just said, "FIND SOMETHING FOR ME TO PUKE IN!" He then grabbed a couple of cups and I puked in about 4 cups, and he kept switching them out. Of course my puke was purple from all the popsicles. The nurse then told me, I know it sucks, but puking is a good sign, shows progression in labor. Then around ten, the doctor came in asked me to get in my position, the nurse and doula moved my left leg for me, because it was mostly numb, and my right leg was mostly all there. (Oh nurse had previously inserted a catheter after me trying to feel if I could go to the bathroom by myself. I couldn't of course.) I was kinda wondering why he came in an hour early to do the check but I didn't ask questions because he seemed normal.
He probably did that so I would stay normal.
Then as he was checking me, he said, "Okay I'm going to break the water."
I also heard him say, "She is at 3cm almost 4cm."  (Which made me ecstatic I was hearing more than the number 2 for 12 hours straight.) He also had the nurse take the pitocin from 40ml to 20ml.
At this point I was weirded out, because he said he wanted the water to break naturally and he wouldn't break it unless I was at five cm.
Brad was of course watching and asking questions the entire time and the doc was so nice to explain every single little thing to him, which I liked too, because I knew what was going on.
Water broke, and I had heard stories about it spewing every where but it didn't it was just an easy drain out. (GROSS) But then he had the nurse hand him some things, he explained to Brad one was to monitor the baby's heart rate and would attach to the top of his head. (Which he still has a little scab from.) And the other would more closely monitor the contractions, including the strength of them. So we got rid of the stomach monitors which moved all around all the time, and stuck strictly to these monitors.
After the doctor stared at the monitor screens for awhile, I asked him, "So I thought you weren't going to break my water, unless I was a five."

He started to explain something, then he just said, "Well honestly, the nurse came and got me, because she was seeing some worrisome things in the baby's heart rate. The contractions were getting too intense and the baby wasn't tolerating them."
The nurse then tried to put oxygen on me, and he told her not to. She questioned him, and he just said, "I'm right here, I'll make sure she is okay."

I was just in a weird place. But I felt like everything was going to be okay, because this doctor, who wasn't on call, who was the best OBGYN in West Texas, who has published numerous times, who is the head of the OBGYN department, was my doctor, and he wasn't supposed to be, he only has 5 patients, he is a specialist. If you are high risk, he is your assisting doctor, not even your doctor. But he is my doctor, so I knew I was going to be okay.
He watched for awhile, then he said, "Okay, it looks like that worked."
And it did. Miles was back on track to having a normal heart rate and I was still having regular contractions.
At the time I really wasn't worried, it wasn't until later I realized how bad that could have gone. But I know that was just one of my thousands of prayers being answered. I also thought all of that was normal, but apparently the little thing being screwed into his head wasn't normal. (A friend told me this happened to her and they just prepped for c-section, luckily I have an amazing doctor that knows what to do before he just cuts you open.) But the good news from all of that was....breaking my water sped up the process.
The doctor was working his way around my puke cups and I just said, "Can't we throw those away."
Then I was sick again and this time the nurse got me an actual puke bag. This time it was just straight acid. My body was seriously exhausted. We were rollin in on 15 hours of labor.
Even though I wasn't feeling the intense pain since 7 PM, and it was almost 11PM, I still was going through that. My body was still takin the hit.
And the puking was explaining the hit.
I felt pretty awesome at this point, knowing I probably wasn't going to sleep, nor hold my baby until 5 AM. I was just tired. Brad was such a good support. I felt so lucky to be so cared for by my mom, nurse, doula, and doctor. My mom was at home at this point, we told her to go take a rest because it would be forever. Brad was so annoyed with continually telling family and friends we hadn't had the baby yet. It was closer than we thought.
CERVIX
Dr. Y came in at about 11:20ish I think? And checked me.
I was at 5cm!!!
Thank you thank you! We were progressing. Slowly but surely.
He said he would come back an hour later to check me.
Midnight: looks like my baby won't be born on the 14th of September.
A little after midnight Dr. Y checked me.
I was an 8!!
HOLY CANOLI!!!! THIS BABY IS COMING.
We called my mom, and she was there in a jiffy.
Doctor also said, let me know when you feel the urge to push.
He literally had just walked out of the room and I felt like I needed to take a big poop, already.
I even told my mom that, and she said, "Brit, that means the baby is coming out."
I said, "No its fine, we will wait a little while."
Next contraction, I really felt like pushing.
So I said, "Okay maybe go get him."
He came back probably 20 minutes after he left and sure enough I was a 10 and 100% effaced. 
But the room wasn't ready and they hurried to do that. Not thinking I would just jump to a ten in 5 minutes from being an 8.
He left again and told the nurse to get him when they were ready for me to push out the baby.
The nurse looked at me and said, "He will be back before I call him, he gets too antsy and excited."
Which I thought was cute. He acted all serious through this whole thing, but really it made him happy and excited.
And sure enough 5 minutes later he came back in.
PUSHING
Next thing I know, nurse was telling me what to do when I push. 
"I'll count to ten during each of your 3 pushes, you will take a breath in between the pushes."
Let's practice.
We practiced.
She told me my last push was super weak.
Well gosh lady, I'm tryin my best.
Brad told me I was setting too high of standard on the first push.
The doctor left again.
I looked at the clock 1:20 A.M.
I started pushing for reals.
I felt the contraction coming then I would push.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.
That felt like the longest thing in the world.
Breath.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.
Breath.
1, 2, 3, 4, GRUNT short breath, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

Nurse then tells me I need to hold my breath. Also, doctor comes in, and takes out the monitors that were inside my uterus.
Now they tell me I'm the only one who knows a contraction is coming.
So I need to push when I feel it coming.
The doctor is there now ready for the baby. I see I have been pushing for 30 minutes now.
Brad is saying, "Brit I can see the head every time you push."
"Brit I see his head, then it goes back up."
"Brit you are doing so good, keep pushing."
"Brit push push push push push push push push."
Push is all I heard for about 40 minutes.
Then Brad told me I was going to have the worse hemorrhoids. Oh perfect honey, just what I wanna know as I push out my intestines to get this baby out.
I tried to focus on my little baby's body coming through me, I tried to think about how I was the reason he was coming out, I needed to push I needed to push push push.
I pushed so hard. I didn't breath in the ten seconds.
Those last few pushes, the nurse wouldn't start counting until I had already been pushing for what seemed like 10 seconds. That was frustrating. I would push push push then she would say, 2, 3, 4,
I wanted to scream, "LADY I AM AT LEAST AT 6 seconds not 2 seconds of pushing."
EPISIOTOMY
I could feel the doctor trying to stretch me, he said, "Brittany I am not going to give you an episiotomy, but you will have a small tear."
Brad told me later that he thought, "There is no way that baby is going to fit through there."
Then a few minutes later the doctor said, "Okay Brittany I am going to tell you when to push, and I am actually going to give you a small episiotomy, I thought we could do it without, but its not going to work."
He then cut me, and then told me not to push, he said 50% push. Which I thought was awesome.
BABY
Then he said, "Brittany sit up and look at your baby."
This part is where my entire body was functioning by someone or something else. I had nothing left. My mind was numb, my body was numb. I was out of body.
But I sat up.
I looked down, and saw a little purple face, I took a gasp and my whole body shook and I released myself back unto my back.
I would say I started to sob, but I'm not sure I had energy left to sob. I just shook with joy. I shook with relief. My heart felt like it was going to explode. The most love and happiness I have ever felt inside my entire body enveloped me. I cannot explain fully how it feels to see your baby for the first time, but I know it will forever be my favorite life moment. 
After I saw his head, I watched his little body slide out so easily. 
I was really in shock at this miracle. I waited nine months for this moment and I never knew it would feel like this. Never knew it would feel so complete and perfect, and make me feel whole and completely at peace with life. Like I could never be happier. Nothing could make me happier.
I then saw the doctor raise him up. 
I think he said, "Here he is, here is your baby."
Brad cutting the cord. I love the nurse's hand blocking the cord spray of blood.
Then he was clamping, so Brad could cut the cord. His glasses kept falling off and he kept asking the nurse to move them up.
My body was aching to touch my baby. My eyes were staring at him like nobody else was in the room.
He was so worth it. He was so worth every ounce of pregnancy pain. Why did I even complain, he was so worth it. He was everything I could ever imagine. This moment still makes me cry and try to contain my heart, because it feels so much when I think about this moment where everything else stopped and a mother realized that she had just brought a baby to earth. 2:09 A.M. 20 hours of labor.

And this part when the doctor put my little baby on top of me I will never forget as long as I live.
He was warm and sticky and so warm. I remember him sliding and smelling but I didn't care I loved  him more than any human can love another human without that other human doing anything to earn love. 

Brad and I tried to talk about how you can love someone so much without ever meeting them or talking to them, they just appear and your heart feels like it will collapse with the amount of love you feel for them.

Sorry Miles, frontal shot. The nurse was trying to clean him, and my arms wouldn't lift him, but I wanted him on my skin. The doctor kept telling the nurse to leave him alone he was fine, but she kept saying, "We need him to cry." He only let out one little cry at first.

Then I held my baby. And I love this picture of Brad, his face was so priceless, he was so in love with both of us, and I could see it all over his face. He had a look of awe and I saw his eyes glisten with tears, and I loved him more than I ever have in my life.

Brad wouldn't take his hands off of me, he just stared at us with a little smile. I couldn't stop looking at my little baby. I think I was crying but I couldn't get tears, it was just crying with joy, and my body couldn't even handle the joy.

The nurse put him on my chest, which I felt like was a FINALLY moment, and I held my little guy there for what felt like seconds until they whisked him away to do all their checks.

He was a good baby, and hardly cried. He still is like this, he just lets out one scream then a few grunts so we are aware of his anger.

These moments happened too quickly.

I feel like it was just yesterday, where Brad and I cuddled up and talked about how we both felt ready for a baby.

I told Brad I felt a little something in church that day. A something that told me "I'm ready mom!"

And my goodness, my baby is here now.

And he was a big baby, almost tippin 8 pounds.

He was pretty mellow through everything. And I was just in such a peace mode. I felt so relieved and full of joy.

I love the doctor's face here. All this work, and it is worth it. Our doctor was a trooper, and off to work the next morning at 6 AM. As the doctor was stitching me up, blood squirted everywhere! All over my face, and pillow, and even sideways on all of our stuff and the doula!!! The doula had blood all over the back of her hair! Sorry Penny. We laughed and laughed about my blood going everywhere. Glad I couldn't feel it!

Right here we are discussing how cute he is.

I love this picture of me, I couldn't stop looking at him. He was so surreal. He was ours. And I actually look okay in this picture.

Now in this picture I look swollen, full of fluid, and exhausted, but so happy.
Brad took this picture of us with his cell phone. And really I knew that Miles knew I was his mama. He looked at me and loved me, just like I looked at him and loved him. We had been through a lot together these past few months and days and hours and minutes.

He is my little birdy. Always opening his mouth looking for food.
Shortly after this, my mom took Miles so I could continue to puke. Still not over I guess. Still feeling the labor.

Brad was in love, and still is. We can't hold him enough, and we always want him in the same room as us.

Brad was insta-dad. And I saw a soft side of my husband I never thought I would see, or thought was in there. He was so gentle and loving with this little baby, and I thought Brad's heart had melted. 

Brad gave him his bath, and I just kinda laughed at how meticulous he was. So careful with this little baby. Brad wasn't around babies growing up, and he never has wanted to hold a baby, for fear he will 'break it!' But Miles, he loved and wanted to hold and care for.

Miles was such a champ through birth, and throughout it all, and he is my perfect little baby.


After it was all over, Brad conked out and I was just holding my precious cargo this time, outta me and into my arms!! (We nursed and were super successful he latched right on and was a champ)
We finally left the delivery room around 5 AM.
I had to YELL to wake Brad up, he was so tired.
I never wanted Miles to leave my arms.
I was put in a wheelchair, Brad gathered up our stuff (somehow we left my bra, never to be seen again I was wearing it until I went into pushing stage because I didn't want to feel like I was flopping all over the place, and then I had Brad cut the strap off, and I knew I could just sew it up no problem, cuz we couldn't get it through the 123323 IV bags I had, so maybe somebody threw it out thinking it was ruined...we will never know).
We reached our recovery room upstairs with a queen size bed and I couldn't even think straight. I had been awake for 26 hours with no food or drink. The nurse brought me 2 sandwiches and juice. I ate and drank like I had never before. Talk about a fast.
Brad fell to sleep instantly. I was wide awake worried about the baby, I couldn't sleep, I was too worried my little guy wasn't breathing and I just stared at him. Finally I told Brad, I can't sleep, and I can't sleep without him, and if he is in here I will never sleep because he is my responsibility now.
So I had the nurse take him to the nursery where I knew he would be constantly watched and I could sleep. 6-8AM I slept. And the rest of the hospital stay was pretty similar to that. Very little sleep because someone was bustin in to check something or other, even if it was vitals at 3 AM. I never let the baby go to the nursery again. He was right next to me, even though I woke up every 15 minutes to make sure he was breathing. I even cried one time when they took him at 2 AM for his 24 hour check. Brad grabbed my hand and reassured me he would be fine. I couldn't bear the thought of this baby ever leaving my side, or body for that matter. We were attached okay?!? We had been together for nine months, closer than anyone can ever get to someone, INSIDE close. And now I needed him close again. So it was okay for me to cry when they took him to the nursery. 
But the hospital stay is a whole nother story.
I hope I have conveyed to you what a life changing experience having a baby is. I hope you know that this is the closest to heaven I have ever felt. This is the most wonderful experience a person could ever experience. It is unexplainable, and unimaginable, and pictures or video will never do it justice. I gained a better understanding of eternal families, of my mother's sacrifice and love for me, of love, of joy, of eternal love, of family, of my husband's love, our bond.

I fell in love with Brad all over again, and fell in love with a new little person. I will never forget Miles' birth experience, and I will always remember the way my heart felt so much love and I felt like it couldn't be real the way I was feeling, no one could ever be this happy on earth. But I guess if heaven visits earth, you can be that happy, and I am positive that is what happens when a baby is born.
My life will never be the same, and I will always be grateful for how blessed we were in this experience, and how precious and memorable this moment is.
6 Days after. Miles 6 days old. 
It happened too fast, and my mom said I would walk away saying, "That was a great experience."
After all my pain, and endurance, that meant nothing once I saw my baby.
So I walked away saying, "That was a great experience, and I can't wait to do it again."
Welcome to earth Miles Layton Clark.
We love you, and so do hundreds of others.




14 comments:

Kaitlin said...

Brit, I cried reading this. I felt like I was sitting with you on your couch while you told me this whole story, and I cried in frustration and joy for you. You are an amazing lady, and will be an even more amazing mama! I love you and I'm proud of you. And baby Miles is so adorable and so beautiful! I'm so, so happy for you :)

Lisa said...

Brit you wrote that so beautifully! Birth experiences are different for each person, and different with each child. Yours was amazing! Miles is so adorable. Congrats!

Stephanie said...

Wow! What an experience. This makes me realize how different everyone's birthing experiences are. I don't know how to word this, but I wonder if extreme pain adds to the experience, in a good way. The pain seems to make it more meaningful, maybe? Meaningful isn't the right word.

Anyways, heaven truly is so close with the birth of a baby & stays around for awhile. Baby Miles is adorable and you & Brad are the perfect parents for him. He is so lucky.

Sallie said...

Um, that was so fun to read! I'm so glad it was a good experience even though it wasn't quite what you expected. I keep trying to tell myself that it will all be worth it, and probably never go as I plan, but it will be worth it. Congrats!

Karissa said...

I totally cried reading this. So difficult, challenging and beautiful! Honestly, your story reminds me so much of mine. I went through alot of the same things and struggled with progressing, pitocin, etc. 28 hours. Ugh. So not fun but oh so worth it! Miles is precious and adorable and beautiful and I'm so proud and happy for you guys! Plus, he has an awesome name. Good luck and congratulations!

Tyler + Nicole said...

Brit. I am so happy you wrote this. I smiled, teared up and was so happy for you. It was incredible. I always love story time with you but this one topped them all, it was the most beautiful and emotional story, to try to allow us into the wonderful day your cute lil guy was born. Congrats! Hope we get to meet Miles soon! :)

Lisa said...

Thank you for writing that whole thing and putting it on your blog. I remember feeling so many of those same exact things with my first baby and you said it so well (i also had an epidural mishap, tried to make it through without any drugs, and couldn't sleep at the hospital because I just needed to know he was right there). It's absolutely amazing to me that we get the chance to have that kind of remarkable experience more than once. Thank you brit!

Jen & Tim said...

Yep, totally read the whole thing! You wrote it so beautifully, and I felt like I was really there! I'm so happy for you and Brad, such good, sweet, cute parents!!!

Erica+Matson said...

Oh friend!!! I have like a list of comments. Just too like 30 minutes to read that...so I must love you! Joke. But first of all, no typos (at least that I noticed). So you're good. Haha. And I cried like 3 times throughout that. When Brad hugged you peeing and just that description, when you saw Brad's love for you when you were going through the epidural crap, and when you had Miles and just the love you two had for him. Such a special written story. I love it. Thanks for sharing! Oh and 2 questions...Doula? Good or no? I don't think all hospitals have them. And secondly, queen bed?? seriously! LUCKY!

Natalie said...

I cried reading this, too, Brittany. I'm so happy for you and Brad and little Miles! You are amazing and beautiful. I'm glad you're a mother now. How cool!!

Tess said...

This captures childbirth so well! I felt many of those same things but wasn't able to put it into words quite like you did. Congratulations, you are amazing and Miles is super cute!

Kikal said...

Labor sucks. Delivery is awesome :) A TWO!? STILL!? I felt like I was right there ya :) Glad he's here and safe and that you're all in love and happy. Come to San Antonio.

Jaelynn said...

What a sweet little guy! Congrats to your cute family!

Danielle said...

awesome story. there really is nothing like it.