(Unloading and loading the dishwasher is a daily deal-as well as turning it on and off, resulting in dishes being washed several times)
You obviously can tell that my New Year's resolution wasn't to post on my blog....
I don't know why I have been in a hiatus but hopefully I'm back! Life here in Lubbock has been good. It's warmer, but too windy to be outside much..kind of really frustrating because it will be 55 degrees and then I try to go jogging in the stroller and its more like running in place. The wind is discouraging. And somehow I don't feel great about the dirt and more dirt blowing in the air and Miles and I sucking for our oxygen around all the dirt.
Our days in Lubbock are spent reading books, throwing balls, running errands, visiting museums, libraries, grocery stores, and trying to keep a never ending motor busy.
Miles also goes to a babysitter while I teach preschool on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Sometimes he cries a little, but sometimes he doesn't even care. He seems to stay busy and not notice I am not there while he is with them, which is good, he is self entertaining.
We have started saying prayers with him every night before he goes to bed, and he seriously is so cute. He kneels, folds his arms and bows his head, and holds it for a pretty long time, before we peek at him during the prayer and he is standing, looking up at Brad smiling, like what the heck are you doing Dad? He probably thinks its some game we play with him.
(Clapping as I am trying to get him to hold still for one un-blurry picture)
As for Mr. Cheeky Bear.....A lot has been happening. He is growing too fast. He is good at saying a lot of words, or should I say repeating a lot of words, but the best is when he tries really hard and just resorts to jibberish. Works for me.
We stay busy without going crazy. I was looking back at my blog post (pre marriage) and man, how I have changed. I just don't even know what to say about my married self..maybe to worry less. Maybe to have more fun and not worry what people think. Maybe just be myself, and not stress so much. Man... looking back was inspirational. I also learned that I was a lot better at blogging.
But, on the more positive note, I'm more grown up, I'm nicer to people (I used to honk a lot more), I love a lot deeper, I have had amazing experiences. And I am no longer alone. And, I have an eternal family of my own....so things are good. :)
So looking at my life now from a bird's eye view.....its hard but its also so rewarding. I live in a new place, have all new friends that I didn't know before, and have reconstructed my life here.
(After going to the petting zoo with our friends we hit up Five Guys. William and Miles are best friends-despite Miles trying to push him off)
(My attempts at getting a picture with all three of them looking)
(Completely failed on three levels-Miles, William (born exactly a week apart) and Riggs -William's big bro)
Today Miles smacked me right across the cheekbone with a wide open palm in church. He really connected. So hard, so painful. Then as I looked him in the eye and said, "You need to be soft to your mama." He took his little hands and caressed my face slowly starting at my hair and down to my neck. He did it 3 times. Then I knew that my job as a mother is important and loving and teaching him is important. Just as my parents loved and taught me to make me the woman I am today, to help me become an influential individual in this life. And now the role has fallen into my lap, and sometimes (mostly all the time) its so overwhelming.
Brad studies a lot. His schedule is so hard on him. Being honest with you, it hurts my heart to see him not be himself. I catch glimpses of him here and there but he mostly is a zombie. It makes me feel like I am on a ferris wheel, going around and around and around, knowing that we will get off soon, but also feeling a little sick.... Not that we aren't happy here, we are...its just a new life. Maybe its harder this week because its test week, and he is studying for his big test called Step-which he takes in June-a day before his birthday. So he has to study for school and Step-I mean apparently they coincide but, mostly it just feels like he is always saying the dreaded words "k I gotta go study now." After an hour of bliss Miles and I playing chase with him, and laughing and climbing on each other and tickling and teasing...then he studies and Miles and I play alone or get ready for bed, or cook dinner, or whatever task is at hand. Its lonely for us.
(Which one should I choose?)
Sometimes I feel like I fall short for Miles, I feel like my lack of a husband sometimes makes me tired, and I may not be the mom I should be, but I find that if we stay busy with activities we are both happier. I look forward to moments we can spend together and I know we will look back on this time in life and say, "Remember when we were in med school, so poor, so young, so naive" I know we will do that, but right now it feels in my face. Right up in my grill. Sorry this post is so real, sorry-not-sorry.
But I am growing so much here, and coming back from Christmas break was really really hard for me. We spent the majority of the time with my family, and as we were driving away, I just started to sob, usually I try to hold back because Brad says weird things to me like, "Oh are you crying!?" Then I feel like he is making fun of me for being too sensitive. Then I just feel stupid. But I didn't care and I just really started crying, and crying talking, which made me cry harder. I am not sure what I was crying for the most, that I was going to have to come back to Texas to where I see my husband in spurts, or the fact that I am alone here as far as family goes, or that my family is missing Miles growing up, or a combination. Either way, it was hard leaving.
Miles is 16 months and 10 days. And he really is growing up so fast. He thinks anything with wheels says wee oh wee oh, like a fire truck. And he is star struck when we see a fire truck or ambulance drive by in real life. He gets so excited about simple things, and he teaches me that life is to be filled with emptying drawers and cupboards, and flushing the toilet 50xs in a row, giving kisses liberally with the mouth open and the tongue out, music is really the best medicine, dance to any song you hear, throw anything that gets in your hands, even if you don't know the words to a book just read it out loud, holding hands with stranger kids at the park is okay, playing peekaboo with strangers is okay, unrolling all the toilet paper rolls is normal and quite enjoyable.
(Park time-this is right after I set him down after getting him out of the car, he booked it to the playground)
(Then very little playing went on as we watched the basketball players)
(Climbing through a tunnel and FREEZING)
(How most of our park trips go)
Life is a busy roller-coaster of emotions with him, and he is the best thing I ever did aside from marrying his dad. That sentence made me tear up-and I'm not even on my period. I know that this portion of our lives is hard on me, and I know that its hard on Brad, but its making our relationship better, and stronger, and its making me lean on him. I am so lucky to have amazing friends here, and have people to do things with, and that I really love and care about who are going through the exact same thing I am going through, and we love getting together because we can RELATE to each other.
Back to Miles.
When I look back on memories of this age, I want to remember him coming to the church after I taught the weekly relief society yoga class in his zip up onesie jammies, Brad dropping him off to me so Brad can play bball with the med school guys after my yoga. I want to remember Miles running down the hallway of the church with his cute little run and running too fast that he falls and slides on his tummy, then just stands up and runs again. I want to remember him coming out of time out after hitting me in the face and crying and clinging to me and laying his head on my shoulder and then turning on his own and open mouth kissing me while he holds my head with his hands. I want to remember him wanting Brad to spin him in the blanket over and over again, and laying down on it then kicking his legs and laughing because he is so excited. I want to remember him strategically getting a block positioned in his hand as he stacks block upon block. Then he spazes both hands and swings them back and forth as he knocks them over. I want to remember him wanting to get down so bad at church and writhing and spinning in my lap as I sweat trying to keep him in my lap during sacrament. I want to remember how he stands on his little car and just looks at me as if to say, look mom, I could fall at any moment. I want to remember how much he loves being outside, how he loves throwing balls, how he loves just running all over the place. I want to remember how everyday he pulls out book by book, and if it doesn't suit his needs he flings it sideways, and if it is what he is looking for he turns it right side up and jibberish reads it, as he sits on top a mountain of books. I want to remember him nursing and tickling my arm as he nurses, and putting his hand in my mouth and me biting it and him thinking its so funny.
(Getting anything done in my house takes all day. This pile of laundry took me all day to fold and put away. Like 9 AM to 5 PM all day. I kept folding and he kept unfolding).
(He thinks he's king of the mountain)
(Always balls all around our house. Right now sitting on the couch I can see four)
(He was riding his car, right after we were playing with his Thomas the Trains, then Thomas the Train was on TV and he sat in this position for like 15 minutes. It was AMAZING! He loved seeing the wee oh wee ohs on tv)
I want to remember him in each day, and every moment, I want to take a picture of him, I want someone to film our lives so I never forget all the sweet things and moments we have together as a family. If you follow me on instagram, you may see that I have a lot of posts or pictures, but you should know that I have to clean off my phone like seriously once a month, and I probably only post 10 of those 500 pictures.
He is our joy, and is my joy during this phase of our lives. And as I think about what I can do that makes me happy, its doing fun things with him and Brad. Doing things that we will remember forever. I may be my tiredest and poorest, but I definitely am at my best. Being a mom is a true joy on so many levels.
(I have been wanting to paint with him for a long time but have been
too lazy too busy :) Today he had a hard time grasping we paint the paper, after much attempts he started dipping the paper in the paint...and he kept looking at his hands, he even tried to grab the paint with his clean hand and take it off his hand. His mind was probably spinning).
(Here he is trying to grab the paint-we had a big mess to clean up afterwards, and blue tub water, but it was so worth his new experience.)
I realize now that this post is not at all what I expected, but its what I needed. If anything I want to look back on these posts and see my life during that phase, which is what I got today.