She probably doesn't want the blogging world to know how she had it. Maybe I will tell the experience later down the road when A.E.A isn't so young. When she is 12. Then I'll blog about it.
By then I will probably forget. Does A. know how she was born. Nope, probably not.
Whats her name??
I like the sound of that.
Ashtyn Elizabeth Arnout.
Tosha had her baby Ashtyn on the fourth of JULY!
she had it on June 10, 2009.
I thought maybe if I lied about when she was born, I wouldn't look so bad because I bloooooooooged about it so late.
But then I realized there is this thing called integrity and a sister who would call me and say this to me.
"Nice of you to blog about Ashtyn. But you got the date all wrong. How could you have even been there on July 4, you were on a beach, in California."
I remember the day.
Brad, Tosha had her baby, lets go to Midway.-Brittany
Are you sure its okay?-Brittany
Ya sounds good.-Brad
Well we don't have to.-Brittany
No lets go.-Brad
(he always has to agree to everything I say, why can't he just FIGHT ME)-Brittany in her mind
OH ...I know why. He's really nice.
Oh BLogger makes the images blurry. Stupido.
That is Spanish for stupid.
I also remember when Amanda and Tanner had Sophie. Gosh. I can't even remember when she was born. Maybe 2 months into Brad and I dating.
I watched Brad hold baby Sophie. Sorta like he is holding Ashtyn now....confused, hesitant to breathe for perhaps his lungs expanding his chest will crush the new unknown thing.
But I had this feeling inside of me. This flash to the future. Which I immediately crushed with my mind powers. But I saw Mr. Clark holding my baby. I felt a love for him which I cannot explain. A love that didn't exist at the present, but I knew it could exist. I guess I brinked upon the love we share now, or the love we will share after we hold our first baby. But, like I said, I was thinking about having a baby with this guy I had been dating two months. Creepy. I wasn't having it. SO I CRUSHED IT. But I wish I would have let it in that day that Sophia Hansen was born. I wish. I wish I would have just let the images come to my head, so I could have seen my first baby. But maybe just maybe I was supposed to crush the image eventually, it just had to be there to keep me with Brad. To keep me from chickening out. To keep me from bailing on him. To keep me with him.
So many images like that existed throughout our whole relationship.
I didn't put the images there like I had in previous relationships. I placed them there because ultimately I wanted to be forever happy. But not with Brad. I didn't place those images there with Brad. They always just came. Images of Brad and I together in 2 years married and happy. Then I felt all gross and sappy inside, like I was craving to be a bride and I was over anxious but really those were the best flashes to the future ever. Ever Ever. Because they were real.
Now don't let me give you the impression that I didn't want to be with Brad, and my mind forced me to be.
I wanted to so bad. He was the best thing in my life. He was a perfect match.
He doesn't mind if I leave my clothes on the floor.
I don't mind if he leaves his clothes on the floor.
Thats just brinking on the subject of why we are perfect for each other.
But, I had this incredible fear of getting married.....
Actually of even having a boyfriend.
After the past experiences, , , , , , , I didn't want to tie myself down to anyone...
The ropes would hurt me. They would make me not be able to make my own choices.
But in a way, Brad didn't tie me down.
He gave me every choice ever.
But I didn't leave, because I loved him. Because he was the one for me.
Because the thought of being without him there holding my favorite lilies and smiling shyly with his vans and baggy jeans and bright blue jacket on my doorstep...crumbled me into a million cookie crumbs. Never to be a happy cookie again.
So I stayed. I stayed and he promised to never leave me. He promised to wait for me no matter what.
And still I ask him, "Well how do you know there isn't someone better for you??" HUH???? TELL ME TELL ME NOW!!
He tells me many things.
But these are the things I remember.
"Brit, when I was in Honduras for two years, I always thought about what I wanted in a wife. I dreamed about her. I constantly picked out her qualities. And you are better than all of those things."-Brad
"But, still how do you know? How do you know that there isn't someone with more qualities than me?"-Brit
"You never stop Brit, I know because I dated girls, something always bugged me, something was always wrong, they had maybe all the qualities but something wasn't there. Then I met you, nothing was wrong with you, you had all the qualities and I couldn't stop thinking about you. I would do anything for you then and I barely knew you. Something was there."-Brad
"Are you ever going to leave me?"-Brit
"No matter what?"-Brit
"No matter what."-Brad
"NO! I never will."-Brad
And thats when I melt into his muscles.
So this baby experience was more than meets the eye. I was 17 days away from gluing my self to Brad. Willingly.
I like baby experiences.
Reminds me of the family I will have someday.
Reminds me of when I asked Brad what he would do if our son pierced his ear.
Reminds me of how I stare at babies.
Reminds me how Brad had to pry my eyes off of a baby last night at Cafe Rio.
Reminds me of how he copies what I do when a baby goes by. Wide eyes with my whole body following the baby.
Reminds me of how my mom says its all natural.
So is love.
I can't stop loving him.
Gosh. I can't leave him in the start of the day, and the 8-5 lasts forever and the end of the day its like butterflies steal my whole body.
Gross. I just went on the longest love tangent ever.
Sorry if you puked eight times.
Now, I love his freckles.
OH! Operator party tonight.
Yahoo for kids.
Yahoo for parties.
Yahoo for school on Monday.
Yahoo for love.
After the operator party we are going to go on a operator hot dog roast.
Actually we only have 3 confirmed.
Natalie, Brad and I.
Still, thats a party right?
Oh, School starts.