Sunday, February 24, 2013

In the Middle

In the middle of my lovely tribute to my siblings I better give an update, because you are getting 16 days of siblings, and you know you can't miss out on the life of Brad Brit and Miles...
you may have noticed my new blog was time.
Today I have a strange desire to say Ya'll after everything.
What is Texas doing to me?
Its turning me into a new person.
Let me explain. 
New things that have happened to me since moving here:
1. I'm a mom.
2. I have stretch marks.
3. In this period of time I have set a record for myself for most friends made in such a short amount of time.
4. I'm a wife of a med student.
5. I go to playgroup? 
6. I am not working 2-3 jobs and going to school.
7. I am not going to school?
8. I have started a preschool with my fellow med student wife Carissa.
9. I'm a better cook. (Who knew being home all day and trying new things could help a sista out?)
10. I am lonely for my family. (This really has never happened to me- I am usually smothered by siblings- I mean that in the best happiest way possible.)

So that's just to name a few.
And to think my life is peaches and just laughable.
I know I have mentioned some hardship on here, and I realize its different than other peoples hardships which makes it difficult to understand, but its my little trial right now, and I'm working on it.
Brad told me yesterday that he doesn't think 'girls' can handle things very well.
Before I got super offended at that sexist comment (I'm not a really sexist person-I am a firm believer than men do things better than women-or maybe its just they do things more willingly than I would ever want to do it-not necessarily better) I said, "You need to explain Mr. Sexist."
He then said, "Well I am not really attached to people like you are."
That statement also sounded really I let him explain.
Heartless, Sexist Brad: "Well you just are so emotionally attached to everything and everyone, which isn't a bad thing. I don't have to talk to my family everyday and I don't have to have close relationships with anyone but you and Miles."
Phew, redeemed himself.
I then told him something I have told him 5000 times.
Brad this is hard for me.....let me tell you what happened to me all in 1 months time:
1. I moved away from Utah where I have LIVED my entire life. (My house was in Utah, I went to school in Idaho-so I claim Idaho as well granted that my house was 1.5 miles from the border).
2. I quit my dream job of teaching Kindergarten and became straight up unemployed, which I haven't been for over 6 years.
3. I moved to it here but lets just say its not glam and bam bam.
4. I left my family and friends and moved here not knowing a soul.
5. I had a baby.

And I joke and say, "Now any ONE of those things is enough to put someone in therapy."
And I got all of them friends.
Bam Bam.
And I knew this was coming, and I had no idea how to prepare for it, and it is a daily constant struggle, and it may not be any all of those things but maybe just one facet of one element.
Now I am finally here to admit that I lost my wedding ring, and I think that has been the main thing lately adding to my discouragement. 
Didn't help that I was going through pictures today and kept finding ones like this.
I just cry thinking too much about it.
My ring is so special to me.
Its not just one you pick outta the mix.

I drew it in my Children's Literature class on a notebook paper.
I took it in to the Jewelers.
And they took the drawing and turned it into a wax mold.
They took that wax mold and turned it into 49 diamonds and white gold.
I didn't see the finished product till Brad opened the ring box.
I'm a sentimental person.
And this has been a really hard thing for me.
Some days I will just be crying while cleaning or taking care of Miles and Brad will see me and just say, "Your ring?"
I will nod and we will go about our business without saying anymore.

As my tears stream down my face I just miss it. I just want it on my finger again.
My mom told me that I am still married, so its okay.
Brad tells me, "Lots of people lose their rings Brit."
I know these things, but on top of all the wonderful things in my life, my ring was one of my favorite things.
Phew, it has been missing since November. But I haven't been able to admit it.
Now I'm thinking its gone.
I have lots of theories.
But I know there are worse things in life, so as I look at my Miles and my Brad I cannot help but forget it and be happy.
This has been an overly personal post. I didn't mean for it to turn that way.
This little he is a heartbreaker.
This was a picture I took before church today, and the last picture I took before...
my Iphone memory told me it was completely full.
Yes that means I have taken 1,080 pictures since November. 
Some of those are pretty long videos as well....

I should have got the biggest GB out there. Who knew having a baby would turn me into a picture taking psycho.  Well I already was....but that just magnified it.
Now enough about me...well actually this is my blog so it can be all about me if I want it to be....
but Brad has a test tomorrow. Its been the first Monday test he has taken and its been interesting. He has just been studying his little bum off, and he has no weekend to rest from it...usually he has Friday tests, but somehow they decided to slip in a Monday test...
I have been just doing Mom things, and I took a Kindergarten sub job on Friday and LOVED it..much better than High school. Bless the high school teachers out there. Man I love little kids.
It made me miss my little friends.
Little latino girl: Mrs. Clark, if we are all God's children than Laquisha is my sister. (strongest Tx accent)
Laquisha is a fellow student in the class, and she is black.
Me: Yes dear, that must be true in fact.
Little latino girl: mmmmm hmmmm yes ma'm it is.

Love them. I was at a school for the deaf. It was like a deaf immersion school. And man it made me want to learn sign language. That is my next goal in life. Those precious little friends.
(Taken today while Brad was studying, and we needed a dad visit)

And an update on Mr. Miles, he has just been drooling, chewing on everything and anything in sight, and getting up on all fours and rocking back and forth till he catapults forward or spastically rolls over.
He also has started eating serious solids like sweet potatoes and corn. LOVES THEM.
So much more than rice cereal, he wasn't a real fan even though he was eating it a little, probably just because it was food, but now its like I have opened him up to a whole new world with these sweet potatoes. Now I'm on to conquer making my own baby food, and to buy a high chair. Here we go.

He also loves his daddy, so much. He lights up and smiles and kicks and thrusts his arms when Brad walks in the room or he hears his voice. He can listen to Brad play his guitar or piano for so long, like over an hour without making a peep, just staring at him. 

He mostly only does it about the 1st 20 seconds....don't worry Brad lets him chew on pillows....?
Whatever keeps him happy.
Well we are blessed to have a smart Brad, and a happy healthy babe and to live among good people here in Texas. And I'm out. 
 (Side note, I love his hair right now.....its got that beach may not be blonde and he may be freckled, but its everything a girl needs this hair is....)

P.S. Brad has convinced me to do insanity with our living room. What starts as Brittany fully dressed has ended with Brittany in spandex and my sports bra. Its that hard guys.
When these ripped people are doing it on camera and they stop and take know its okay to take your clothes off. It's a lot of jumping for these nursing jugs though. Someday they will shrink up again. Whew here I go with personal again, well if you made it to the bottom of this you deserve to know this personal jarbo.
Now I feel like I have tried to end this post 20 times but I keep thinking of things to write. It's like a scrap of journal page here. 
Did I mention I have a journal, and a Miles journal, and a Miles baby book, and this blog.
Did I mention I love to write? Did I mention I have started a total of 15 or so books.....and have a page of about 50 ideas for books? 
Writing....I like it.
Well I think its time to cut the cord.
That means stop.
So good night, and maybe I can unmute the oscars....but probably not because Brad is studying.....
Falcon Med Student Wife is over and out.

Meet my siblings Day 2: Meet Lad

Remember how I am doing a montage of my siblings??
Well Lad is next. Number 15. Lad was named Matthew Lad, and I still call him that....and it is fun to tell people his name is Lad.

Its weird maybe a little, but it fits the little chap just perfectly.
Ever since he was little he was such a hard worker. I remember him working with Landon all the time. 
He would be following him along without saying one complaint but just doing what he was told.
He is quiet and kind, but has a temper of some sort.
See his previous SIBLING post HERE.
I was so surprised by him after bringing Miles home for Christmas.
He loved him. Truly truly loved him.
He would always want to hold him and play with him. He would go check on him for me over and over again while he was sleeping.
He also would run up 3 floors just to go get me his Sophie the Giraffe, or his blanket, or a diaper.
Truly a gem little Lad.
Its sad to me that I am not around my siblings to watch them grow up, but Lad is obviously number 15, so he is the bottom of the patch, meaning he is the littlest boy, which means he probably gets left out a little, and he probably has to fend for himself a lot.
My favorite part of Christmas break is when we were all playing Uno (like 13 of us) and I laid a draw 4 on him, and he couldn't handle it, it was too much, he put his head down and started to cry. Brad tried to console him and Landon drug his head up and said, "Toughen up."
Then it started happening on anything, when he got skipped or sometimes he would get a draw 16 after they all piled up. He was just in and out of tears that entire card playing experience. (Ian as well-number 14)
Finally Tanner (number 4) said, "These two just can't handle any type of defeat, they are too tired."
So then Sally (number 8) (maybe Echo (number 10) I can't remember) said, "You guys just need to go to bed." And they both ran out of the room crying going different ways.
Clearly they were gamed out.
He is a passionate little boy and loves kids, loves legos, and loves his family.
He is a hard worker and good at taking care of things.
My prediction is that he will be successful in life.
My mom says he will get home from school (ever since he was in Kindergarten) and get his homework right out the minute he walks off the bus and starts working on it. Then finishes it and puts it right back in his backpack. Oh I love him. He was my little sweetie baby. My Miles reminds me of Lad when he was a baby. Chunky and sweet.
Love him.
Lad Sibling Number 15.

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Meet my siblings Day 1: Meet Faith

A long time ago, I posted about my siblings. In 2008. Wowzeroni. Now I want to do it again. Starting with Faith again of course. My family has loved looking back at their personalities and even used it for projects and such. I love all of my siblings-yes even the flatulent ones. (Brad will say I have no room to talk-he says the Hansen's have gastrointestinal problems-whatever that means).

The first time he met Sally-she farted. The first things she ever said to him was, "Sorry that reeks."

So my family is special in my heart. Very special, and being here in Lubbock makes me appreciate them and love them more than ever. And having a little boy grow up without being around his dear extended family constantly, breaks my heart. So this will suffice until Landon, Tanner, and my dad and MAYBE my little Faith, will travel to OK 5 hours away to do a pivot job. More on that later gater.
PS I have this SERIOUS rhyming problem right now. Everything I say last, I throw in a non-word rhyme. I know its strange and disturbing burbing.

So my siblings go as follows. Brooke, Tosha, Hannah, Tanner, Summer, Landon, (me-Brittany), Sally, Shad, Echo, Ethan, Chandler, Ammon, Ian, Lad, Faith


The first thing I can say about her, is that she loves to hug and kiss and be all up in your face. She turned 5 in June, and my mom wasn't ready to send her to Kindergarten because the class was going to have 40 kids, and I advised her against it, and my parents live 30 minutes away from the school (its country folks) and it was going to be half day. So my mom just said-can it. Really I think its because my mom has a little attachment issue, but that's okay for a mom of 16 to have that problem with number 16.

Faith has this thing about saying the cutest things in the world. When we were getting Miles' ultrasound at 20 weeks, she came with us. She was talking and talking on the way there then we got there and SILENCE. She was in shock or something. We told her we were going to LOOK at the baby. Then as we were walking out she said, "Brittany, where's the baby?"
I said- In my tummy, silly.
She said, But I thought we were going to see the baby today.
I said, We did on the screen.
She said, But I couldn't see it, why don't we get it, let's get the baby out.

I continued to tell her that I was not HAVING the baby today. We were just having an ultrasound to find out if it was a boy or a girl.

She then said, Ohhhhhhhhh Why didn't you tell me!

Oh Faithy poo.

My favorite video of her ever is one I took while I was driving.....ya sketchy but I was looking at the road in my defense.

If you aren't facebook friends with me you probably will not be able to watch it.

Faith loves her sisters, and its like she has extra moms. She also loves my mom and goes with her everywhere. The other day I called my mom, and my mom handed her the phone and after talking to her I said, Ok where is mom? She said, Oh I she went into a store.
Me: What! She left you in the car? Are the doors locked? Where are you?
Faith: Hmmm I don't know I just see a building.
Me: Oh perfect aren't you scared? A bad guy could come. Make sure the doors are locked.
Faith: Okay hold on, I'm watching this movie and I gotta push pause so I'm setting the phone down.
Long pause, hear scuffling. 
Me: Faith? Where is mom?
Faith: I don't know but now I am scared, is a bad guy going to come?
Me: No, well I don't know.
Faith: Well I'm going to go find her.
Me: No no no no just stay in the car.
Hear a door slam.
Faith: How does this snow get so dirty?
Me: Faith what are you doing? Go back to the car.
Faith: I'm going in this store but I can't see her....hmmmmm.
Me: Okay go back to the car right now.
Phone cuts out...

Awesome I just helped my little sister get lost who knows where they are.
My mom did end up calling me back saying that Faith did go back to the car and my mom came right back out and apparently they were not at a real like grocery store but some honkey donk print shop. was all going to be okay.
But I did realize I am more paranoid than both my mom and Faith apparently.

Faith is so serious about being tough and winning and she loves everyone.
So many times she has just thrown a total fit when I have left, so mostly we sneak out without saying goodbye to her...its easier.

She obviously is spoiled being the youngest of 16, but also kinda independent. 

She cried when she found out Miles was a boy. She went to the ultrasound that day as mentioned previously and she really didn't like it when we cut the cake and found out it was a boy.
She started to cry right away. I don't like playing with BOYS!
Well she actually does....hence why Miles got the Chicken Pox from her.
All her kisses behind our backs.

She went through this stage of grrrrr smiling.

She still calls me Brinnee.
I don't mind.

She loves to tease and kiss and hug.

She also loves junky things...hence why she went crazy with my jewelry a few years ago at my house.

She has the blonde and blue like nobody's business.

She wants everyone to hold her and hates being left behind, which is ironic her being the rear end of our family.

But she also is the highlight of our family. She makes us all laugh and not take life so seriously.
She is a bit spoiled by all of us.
I think my parents are tired frankly, so they have loosened up in their old age, so Faith throws a fit and they just watch her and go on about their life.
If I would have thrown a fit like that I would be apologizing to everyone and kissing whoever I just punched....but she has spunk and more personality than all of my siblings put together.

She has 5 older Echo who is almost 19 is her closest she is boyish.
She's long and lean, and will probably be taller than me so I officially will be the shortest sister.

She is so observant and doesn't miss a thing.
She loves her niece Jemma and probably sees her the most because they live the closest.
She is so helpful if she wants to be. With Miles she will do anything and play with him forever.

She can be quite moody at the drop of a hat. That's just her fire.
She is such a thinker and always saying things that make you go hmmmm.....I have really NEVER thought of that Faithy.

She loves life, and doesn't like it when she isn't involved in everything. (PS I'm pregnant in this picture-so excuse the lardy)

She is adventurous and hasn't been scared of anything. She is silly and happy and kinda clingy actually.
Sometimes she just never stops sitting on your lap playing with your hair and kissing you on the cheek. Its so funny because my mom is NOT like that at all, and yet Faith is like that to her, and to me and to her sisters. She is everyone's favorite sister, and how could she not be, her energy and excitement is contagious, and I love her.
Faith Sibling Number 16

Friday, February 15, 2013

Miles 5 Months

We have hit all sorts of MILEStones. 
Get up on hands and knees from belly.
Tried Rice Cereal: Weird and Yuck.
Still peeing on mom when she changes me.
Loves plastic bags: especially chip bags, and wipe bags.
Chews on anything within reach, including toes and Mom and Dad.
Got mom out of a speeding ticket.
Coos and talks like he is saying something, most frequently it sounds like 'hot dog'.
Loves the 5 little duck song, and smiles and smiles when we sing it. (It's a bathtime song and when he is crying and we are desperate song).
Loves The Duck Song on You Tube, and he watches it OVER and OVER again when Mom and Dad try to stay out on the town past 8, and we pay for it by his cries. So tired.

He loves Daddy, and loves playing with daddy, their favorite games are:

Miles stands up on Brad while he is laying down and Brad says, "Ready.." Then lets go of him and he tips over and Brad catches him right before he hits the ground. Awesome game for Mom's nerves.

Daddy holds Miles up above his head and then opens his mouth and bite tickles him all over and Miles tenses up and grunts and screams and laughs.

Daddy plays the piano and guitar in the music room, and Miles sits in his bumbo and chews on the guitar cord and just listens and bonds.

Watching TV with Daddy is another favorite. 

Miles loves to take baths and he can be starving and so tired and we put him in the tub and he is happy as a lark. He takes baths with Mommy and Mommy holds him and he jumps and kicks and splashes and giggles. He loves all rubber duckies and especially loves to chew on their bills. He will cry the minute you take him out of the tub. He has done that since he was a month old! 
He loves a jumparoo we borrowed, and can play in that for so long. He loves sitting on the rug while mom cleans or cooks and plays with all his toys. By play I mean, chew and suck and drool all over the toys.

Ready for a picture overload.

I have a hard time believing my little man is 5 months old. I know that's nothing in the scheme of life, but this first year is so exciting and changing that it is hard to capture every little moment.

But I am trying so hard. I want so bad to remember every little thing he does that is adorable. I love this stage. I love how he can sit and play with toys all day, or go in his jumparoo.

He doesn't cuddle though. Only when he is sleeping.

Sometimes in the night I will just hold him and hold him while he is sleeping on me.

I try to be a good mom and not let him sleep with me.
But sometimes I am too in love with him and just want him to cuddle with me.

Some nights he is a good sleeper.

But his personality would be one that needs to eat and be involved, so obviously we are going to be up in the night. So some nights we are up once or twice.

I'm the kinda mom that does whatever I want but secretly I feel bad about it.

Some of our friends here have questioned some of our parenting choices.

Dumb stuff, like what time we put him to bed, and that he still sleeps in our room.

What I really want to say to them is bleep off. But instead I try to make reasons for why I do what I do.
And the truth is, I love my baby, I take care of my baby, so anything else should be between my husband and I. I'll say that next time.

My beautiful perfect mom friend Heather is always my one I turn to in distress.
She lives in Dallas which is too far away, but I always text her to make sure what I am doing isn't as outlandish as so and so thinks it is.
And she always reassures me.
She is the kinda person that doesn't get stretch marks when she has a baby, you know those kind that cook perfect cookies and dress perfectly all the time, but still don't think they are perfect. That's her, and I am glad she went first so she could pull me through this motherhood in the 2013s thing.

My mom is the other extreme, she did whatever she wanted and didn't care what people said or thought. And she had 16, so she could.

But I am the kind of person that cares too much about what other people think.

I love being a mom, and you hear that all the time but what it really means is that sometimes in the day I will be doing something super romantic and wonderful like changing my baby's diaper and he pees all over my face and the wall and his clothes I was just about to put on him, and I will realize that he is mine. My body grew him inside of me by the grace and miracle of God, and he is my genetics and I have a child. In those moments my heart drops a little and I remember dreaming of this time in my life when I was in college, wishing I would have a wonderful husband and wonderful children.

Now its here and will be gone before I know it. But all this while I am trying to do my best and trying to be my best, but yet...worrying what other people think along the way. Why is that human nature?
Why can't everyone just be happy with what they are doing, and not need any reassurance from the outside world that what they are doing is the right way?

My goodness I would be so much happier if I could just erase my worry.

Its a huge problem I have. A worrier. 

I am working so hard to be that mom that can do it all.

But the fact is....nobody can do it all without help.

And I am trying to realize that, without making excuses of why I didn't do this, or did this.
Just living my life and not worrying about having to have a reason for everything.
I do this because I like it this way.
Miles is my baby, and I will be his mom and make decisions as his mom. And stranger danger to anyone who tries to tell me what to do, or what their kids did and how it is better than my way.

My life: My choices kinda thing.

Being in Lubbock is such a good trial and challenge for me.

A challenge and trial to be happy every day.
To make lasting friendships here.
To embrace differences in people.

This past week was really hard for me.
The week before that was so easy.

It's strange how some weeks I will love it here, love life, and couldn't be happier.

Then I feel like all I need is my sisters and my brothers and my family. Miles needs his Grandmas and Grandpas. Brad and I are the only ones who have that family love for him here. We are the only ones that love to have and hold him here. When family is around they fight over him. I guess thats the joy in going home, but man sometimes its hard.

Sometimes when Brad is at school I have done the dishes, laundry, cleaned, cooked and I'm starting the repeat process and I just start to cry and miss those moments where Sally and I could just talk about stuff while we were cooking. I miss all the family get togethers.

I miss knowing that if my little brothers have a bball game I can make the quick trip to see the game.

Homesick. It's a B.

But its a challenge, and I love my husband and knew this was coming, couldn't wait for this to come actually! I never was one of those BYU Provo haters. I liked BYU, loved it for that matter, and loved Provo. I was a BYU operator, so I have a sense of pride for BYU. I stood up for BYU when BYU haters called the university. BYU is my blood. So ya, sue me if I miss the Provo world. 

But there are things that I LOVE about Lubbock too.
I love that not everyone is Mormon here, and whoever is Mormon we are friends no matter our differences.
 I love that. I love that we are closer to 'real' life than we were in Provo.
And I love all my new friends.
But needless to say, life is going to be hard no matter where we are. Life isn't hard here, just lonely at times. And its not like I am reclusive, I go out and I have many good friends, but family never can be replaced. Friends cannot be replaced, and my heart misses them.
Now that I have turned this post about Miles about me, lets transition back.
The photo shoot was beginning to wear him out. He started to get extra hungry this morning.
So I took advantage of these faces.
Gotta remember them.
Gotta remember that life wasn't all smiles.

Mom gets boogers out of my nose sometimes and it makes me so sad.
When she sprays saline mist up my nose it also makes me pretty sad.
Or when she makes me get out of the tub, or when she makes me put clothes on when I am tired.
Or sometimes she takes away the duck song before I am done and then I throw the biggest tantrum ever by arching my back and screaming, and even when she gives it back I am still too mad to watch it.
First tantrum was an achievement this past month. First of many I'm sure.
So this is pre feeding pictures of sad Miles.

So I cry and cry and lean over and chew on my feet when I am sad.

Sometimes Mom just doesn't understand and sometimes she loves watching my sad face, but it breaks her heart at the same time. 
 Now here we are again post feeding, happy as a lark.
When he gets excited he starts kicking his legs, breathing so fast and his arms go out like seen above and he starts shaking. Usually its because mom or dad have walked into the room after a prolonged absence, a new toy is put in front of him, The Duck Song is on, 5 little ducks is being sung to him, or he is about ready to eat.
Somebody tell me why Burt's Bees makes children's clothing?
I don't know but I discovered it and you can just pinch me over and over again these pants make me crazy. Talk about perfect. So soft and striped, and they have feet holders, so Mr. Miles no matter how many times and how hard he kicks he cannot remove his socks.

Miles is all wiggles.
He doesn't just chill on your lap. He is turning and going and standing and leaning and grabbing and it almost makes you crazy.

I think my arms are in better shape now. My active baby is going to be a handful when he can move around the room.
I'm already planning on getting gates and just keeping him in the front room in order to have any sanity in our house. He is just a busy bee now...what will he be when he crawls.

He has officially moved to his crib for all naps. And he sleeps well in there.
I'm not ready for him to move in there permanently. And the old me would give reasons why, but the new me leaves it at that. That's my mom choice and I like it that way.

He has some pox scars. Under the lips, and above the eye. Some on the head but his hair will probably cover those.

His eyes are blue, but not blue enough to pierce you like his stares do.

He loves sucking his bottom lip, and its his new binkie. Binkie is pretty much just at night now...he actually falls asleep most of the time without it, but sometimes he likes a good suck.
I wake up in the night and he is sucking his tongue and it is poking out-so he has binkie replacements.
He sleeps with the blanket over his head.
No matter how many times I pull it down, tuck it under his sides and put his arms over it. He will pull it up over his head. I don't know why I am questioning why he likes this, because thats how I sleep too, but it worries a worried mama.

He has started talking himself to sleep and it about kills me to not go in there get him out and play with him and kiss him all over. 

This paper 5 was too exciting to not touch and pull to our mouth, but somehow I got a few pictures with it before he grabbed it and had it in his mouth.

Miles, you are my first baby. You are so special and sweet. I love so many things about you and this month I love: your muscular arms, your drooly lips, your curiousity, your big mouthed smile, your squinty eyes when you smile, how you dive at me when you are hungry, how you put your hand in my mouth and I bite it and you pull it out again and smile, and do that over and over again when you are eating, how you whip your head around so fast when you hear anything plastic crumbling, how you do the sad lip that quivers, how you grab at everything including daddy's chest hair, how you suck your bottom lip, how you love taking baths with mommy, how you coo and talk all the time, how you breathe really fast all the time, how you just started grabbing your boy parts when you have no diaper.
Mr. Miles, you are my baby boo. Happy five months. Maybe an achievement next month will be hair.