Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Finding Myself

As most of you know, Brad and I started a new adventure/chapter of our lives by moving to Lubbock, Texas. Go ahead, google it. Its pretty much in the middle of nowhere. And you probably will only find that there is prairie dog town here, and the most restaurants out of any other city.
Also, you will find that there is a medical school here, which is why we moved here. Texas Tech Health Sciences has us.
My husband, Brad, who is the love of my life, is in medical school here.
When we were both in undergrad, we talked about this chapter of our lives, how we couldn't wait to get here, how we were so excited for when he would be in medical school.

Now we are here, and its been a huge change, and we have met some really great people who I know will become our lifelong friends. But I think I have gone through some of my hardest challenges while we have been here. And I felt like this was really personal stuff I am about to share, and I thought, gosh why would I ever post it on my blog? Why! That's crazy, I only joke about stuff that is personal, and share it when its happy and positive. But then I kept thinking, I need to share this experience or experiences I have had. Then I kept feeling that way, and kept putting it off, now I am doing it, and I finally realized I am doing it not for me, but for someone else. Somebody else maybe needs what I am about to write. And if it isn't you then you get to enjoy my personal experience and get to know me and my family a little better. But if it is you, and you are the one who needs this, or it brings you to some realization then I'm so glad that I put my life out there for the entire world to read if they found it.

So it started with us moving here. I stopped teaching Kindergarten. Which may seem minuscule to some of you, but I felt important everyday. I felt loved by 45 kids everyday. I felt like I was achieving something when a little boy went from knowing 4 uppercase, 2 lowercase, and no sounds to knowing 14 uppercase, 13 lowercase and 20 sounds in a few months. I could scream on the mountains I was so happy for him, and I was helping people. I was building relationships and I had a career. I was busy, and I developed curriculum and was constantly contributing to my team and I felt needed.

So being here I have felt that maybe I need to go back to work, but I have a baby, how could I juggle that?? So I constantly look for jobs, and then just don't know what to do. Confused.

I also left my family. I lived with my sister Sally. For 2 years she lived with Brad and I. I felt like I could help her out with her living situation and she didn't have to pay as much rent, and she liked living with me. And that is a story in and of itself, but basically every time she could have moved out, I just didn't want her to, so she didn't. So I had my sister/best friend with me all the time. Sally knew I was pregnant before I did. I told her I missed my period and I am sure she screamed, and I just said, "Well its only been 2 days, I'm not for sure."
She didn't care, she knew I was. And she went through that pregnancy with me. She watched me puke, she had to put her orange peels in a ziploc before she threw them away because I puked at the smell of orange peels, she put up with me just freaking out when she cooked because I threw up, and she didn't turn on the smell cancel outter. Whatever thats called. Can't think of its name at the moment. Odor neutralizer! Got it.

And now she's many miles away. Which is ironic that I named my child Miles. (Or should I say Brad named OUR child Miles). Miles is miles away. Not just from Sally, but from all my siblings, and all of Brad's family. And he's getting so big, and they are missing it. So that makes me sad inside. It makes me sad until that feeling comes up in your heart and chest and throat and then tears start to come out of your eyes sad.

And I moved here 8 months pregnant. That was really hard, because it was hot, I had to unpack, and Brad was gone everyday. Then I accomplished this feat which many women do, and had a baby. And that was the most challenging and beautiful moment in my life. So I have felt all over the place. Job-Family-I know I'm supposed to be here and be a good mom, and I have been dealing with that and trying to find my place here.

But a few nights ago, I just didn't feel right. I may have had some onset of postpartum or some kind of lack of spirituality. But either way, I didn't know what to do. I said many prayers throughout the day and felt nothing. Sometimes I have prayed and this overwhelming feeling comes over me, and it just is a feeling of peace. But I tried several times and it wouldn't come. So this made me so scared. And I don't know if everyone who reads my blog is LDS (from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints), but if you are or aren't, I couldn't turn to the one thing that normally helps me, so I just knew I needed a priesthood blessing. In our church the men hold the priesthood, and it is a power from God. It sounds silly saying it like that, because I have the upmost respect for it, and I don't take it lightly. In fact, I have rarely asked Brad for a blessing because I don't feel that my situation is dire enough for a blessing. I think he has only given me 3 up to this point actually.

Once when I was so ill and needed my wisdom tooth out because it had gotten infected, once when I was extremely sick being pregnant I think..., and then right before my due date to calm my nerves. And maybe one or two I missed because I have the worst memory in the world. But, the priesthood is a power the men hold and anyone can ask a man worthy that holds the priesthood for a blessing. So when I asked Brad as he cuddled up next to me repeatedly asking what was wrong I think he was in shock. He started to ask me why, and I didn't really know why, I just sputtered several responses and gave him probably no guidance of how to help me.
I then said, "You are trying to talk me out of getting a blessing because you think its dumb that I feel like I need one."
He said, "No I'm just trying to understand you better."
I gave him little to no more information and he said, "Okay babes, sit on the edge of the bed."

Then I said a quick prayer that he would receive the proper revelation and be able to be an instrument for the Lord to help me.
Now I'm not a huge vocalizer of what I believe, and shame on me for that. So that is part of the reason I am putting this in cyber world. This is my way of spreading what I believe, and how the priesthood has helped me in my life, and I hope this can help any struggling moms out there.

He went on to bless me for many things, but there is a few that struck me as amazing. Maybe just hearing it so specifically to me is what made the difference, but he told me my most important duty was to protect Miles. He said, or rather God said, "Miles loves you, and recognizes you as his mother."
That shook my soul. I know my baby loves me, or did I? But then it made me feel it all over. Miles was my baby before this life, and its my job to protect him.
Then the blessing went on to say that it is my most important job to help him and my family return to live with God again in the Celestial Kingdom.
Wow. Brad didn't know that I was toying with the idea of going back to work. Now I know what my job is, my most important job. God knows what I need to hear. The blessing went on to say, that I need to use my skills to be a mother, and Miles needs me.
What an amazing duty, to be a mother to your children. I think it is taken lightly, and this is what made me so in awe at this blessing. God, our supreme almighty God, wants us to be mothers, and he knows that is the most important thing we can do on this Earth and in this life. And those who aren't able to have children, there is a reason for it, and only God knows that reason, but surely you will have that joy in the next life if you are righteous and have that desire. But those people are still mothers, to those around them, and those who are blessed to have children are mothers as well, and have this sacred duty to raise and bring their child up in righteousness.

That is so powerful to me, to know that I have this responsibility that is greater than any other responsibility, and I know that without a doubt the family is a very important unit in our society. And we as parents have to protect that unit, and protect our children. What greater calling can a man or woman have? Our children are the future and we want them to be great individuals to make the world a better place. What an important responsibility. I probably knew this was what I was supposed to be doing before, but this blessing really....well stuck it to me. Brittany, you are a mother now, and that is your responsibility and it is important and you are important. I needed to hear those things, and I needed it to be from God, Brad has told me several times, but this time he was the vocal piece for God and it was the most spiritual experience for me.

I also know that Satan is powerful, and he is able to whisper horrible things into strong women and men, and it can make them feel weak and worthless. But, all we can do is use what God has given us here, use the priesthood, and use the scriptures to be stronger than those whisperings.
The blessing also said that I have the spirit with me. The spirit of God, like a fire is burning. And I can use it and it is here to help me, in all my tasks, even tasks that seem mundane. It is my constant guide.

Now whether you are Mormon or not, you are important, and you have a purpose in life. It may not be to be a mother to several children, but your purpose is important or you wouldn't be here. Small coincidences happen, but I think they happen for a reason.

This blessing made me realize, I am in Lubbock for a reason, and I didn't just meet Brad by chance, he was meant for me, and Miles was meant for us. We are all here to learn and become better, but we need to remember God is here too. Thats what this blessing reminded me. Now like I said, this is ultra over the top personal, and I probably am going way over the top with my feelings. But I felt I should for some odd reason, and now that I have done it, I hope it helped someone out there in cyber, and hey maybe even a few of my friends.

While I'm on the topic, this is a talk that helped me realize so much in my life.


Stephanie said...

You have experienced so, so, so many dramatic changes so close together. I had a hard time with medical school and a new baby, both of which were at different times. Many tears were shed as I adjusted to each of these new phases of life. You are so wise to seek guidance from He who knows us best.

I just adore you and am excited to hang out with you & baby Miles (once we're both back in TX).

Natalie said...

This is beautiful, Brit. Thank you for sharing this. It touched me.

Love you.

Erica+Matson said...

I love the part about "Brad named OUR child"