Friday, September 7, 2012

Come out.

See this face??
It is swollen, tired, and ready for about 10 gallons of water to be drained from it.

I got my hair done yesterday. Oh wow. Before I get into that, let's take a trip down memory lane.

22 Weeks pregnant

This face has no idea what it is like to pregnant.

This face doesn't even look pregnant...but then you look at the gut and you say...oh yes, she is.

My face is not even swollen here at 23 weeks.
Let's go back to 39 weeks.
Swollen, tired, and done. Right as I type my little baby's foot is protruding out my side. I love feeling it. I almost imagine his little toes wiggling inside my hands. Oh if only.
(Please notice the veins in my pork sausages hands, I think they cook. I think you could just about eat cooked meat in my hands at this point).
 Wednesday I thought I was in labor. I was sure of it.
I was having intense contractions 5-8 minutes apart for about an hour. Then the next hour they were still bad but further apart. Then the next hour they got even further. And I watched my little glimpse of holding my baby that day fade further and further away. TRICK! 
I have a doctor's appointment today, and he better tell me I am just needing to go upstairs to deliver that minute....cuz I'm not sure I can wait 3 more days. (Providing I even go into labor on my due date).
My next post better be splattered with pictures of a brand new baby right? Or we are all going to get a little crazy. I am sure I am already part crazy here. Nobody tells you the anxiety/swelling/out of body experience the last week is. It is just like...push me over from my right side to my left because my hip is aching and throbbing, now push me out of bed to go to the bathroom 10 times in the night, now give me your hand and pull me up, now pick up everything I drop because there is no way I am getting it. Grunting is common. It just becomes so dang uncomfortable, then to triple that you just wanna hold your baby so bad, because its so close.

Everyone tells me to enjoy it, because soon I'll have a screaming baby, and these are my last few days with little responsibility. But seriously?? That's like telling someone who is single to enjoy their last days as a single person before they get married. It's not like they can go do all these single people things like make out with randoms, go to dance parties and just have a blast. They just want to be married at that point. See as a 9month prego lady I can't really enjoy myself like I could when I was not pregnant, or even just barely pregnant. I can't go do things I would do in my last days of not having a doesn't work that way. First of all I can't move like I could, I can't be in the heat, I can't go play any sport I want for as long as I want...but I can lay at the pool for an entire day....which I have been doing :) So I am ready for him. I was ready for the responsibility when I decided to make this little guy. He is wanted and needed here in the Clark household.

Now you have heard the ramblings of a very pregnant person.
Now, yesterday I got my hair done. Partial highlights with cut, thats what I always get. Now I haven't had my hair done since Forever....Like January.
I bought a groupon here in Texas, I don't know where to go, and I hate paying 100 dollars for my extra thick/long hair that they charge me 10.00 for every extra thing of color I use. So I just buy the groupon and surprise them with my extra hair. Their fault for not specifying on groupon that they charge extra for extra hair. And take a chance that they have some skill in doing hair. Anyway....I call for about 2 weeks, leave messages and all sorts of crazy stuff. I call the number on the groupon and it is I call the salon and the girl is NEVER in. So about a week ago she calls me back. She had pneumonia. Okay, makes sense. So I try to tell her its okay, I'll wait till she is better, but she insists she is better (as she is coughing and sniffing) and just kinda forces me in. So I show up at my designated time yesterday and she has hair like this.
But its curly and permed, and her bangs are short and she is about 40 probably. Now I stole this picture from the internet, so....whatever.
This hair should have been my VERY first clue, and I should have just done a pivot and high tailed it outta there. But I didn't and that is why I am here today to share this riveting story with you.

So there are two girls sitting in the area, they were in their late teens, 19, and 20 I found out later. They each had a 2 year old/3 year old with them. They were dressed scantily and one was pregnant. The lady doing my hair says....these are my grandbabies (pointing to the kids running around). This should have been my 2nd clue to high tail it outta there. Then she says, "Have a seat." So I sit down, and she says, "Now what are we doing?" Partial, I say.
Oh yes, then she starts sectioning off my hair and she says, "You have a sh*t load of hair." This is gonna take up alotta color. (There it is, the hint that I should have to pay extra, but since it was a groupon I"m off clean). There is my 3rd clue to leave. But I don't leave. I stay. I stay in the chair. I don't have the guts to leave. Then she is hacking a lung into her hands, which she then touches my hair. 4th clue. But they aren't clues anymore, they are just reminders of how I should have left on the 1st clue. Haunting me. I have that sick sinking feeling in my gut. And I just accept it. I accept my hair fate. It is going to be orange, and splotty. I just accept it, and I just think to myself I will deal with it when I get outta here. Right now I just need to live with my mistake. So she keeps sectioning off my hair. Then she is searching for something forever, and she tells her daughter to help her look for her color key. She lost it. So they are searching for it. 5th clue. She then says, "Oh &%^ I'm going to have to borrow some." Did I mention the STRONG texas accent adjoined with little to no grammar skills. 6th clue. So she leaves for awhile, and in the meantime her daughter and son's gf and their kids are just sitting behind me in chairs, and her grandbabies are running everywhere and she is repeatedly telling them, "I'm gonna beat your butt, real good." 7th clue. "Your butt is gonna be bright red here in a second girl." (She tells the baby two year old for touching the curtains).
So she comes back with color. Oh hey! Were you going to talk to me about what I wanted???
Nope, she just starts foiling away. At this point I am just outta my mind confused at this abnormal situation. 8th clue.
I just sit, and watch her foil my hair. Knowing at this point, its going to be orange. She hasn't spoken to me at all, she is just talking to her daughter and son's gf behind me, and yelling at the kids.
They aren't leaving because the son's gf has leave in conditioner in her hair, and it needs to be washed out. So she foils my hair, and it was not pretty, and I didn't have the guts to take a picture of it. But normally the hairstylist has it all perfectly folded and neat. . . No, there was foil everywhere. It was a folding disaster. But I didn't say anything I just sat. 9th clue. I knew this was just a haunting reminder of how I had that feeling of GET OUT right when I walked in, but I didn't I didn't get out. And now I am paying for this sin of mine.

Then, she tells me to go sit in a chair while it processes. I see plenty of hair dryer thingys, and that is what I have been put in EVERY other time they want to process my hair. But then she proceeds to do her son's gf's hair. 10th clue. She washes it, then spends forever brushing it, cuts it, styles it. All the while I am sitting there while the two year old and three year old run around my feet with snotty noses and stinky diapers, and no shoes. So 45 minutes later. I am SURE my hair is orange. She tells me to come back to wash out. She washes my hair, and I ask if the shampoo is Tea Tree, which it clearly is because it's burning my eyes and my mom has bought Tea Tree for decades. She says, "Oh I don't think so." 11th clue. She doesn't have a clue what I am saying. I stand up, look at the shampoo, sure enough BIG BOLD LETTERS TEA TREE right on the front. We walk back to the chair. She shoos the children away. Oh did I mention her phone rang probably 4 times during this, and she would stop doing my hair and talk on the phone, sometimes even leaving the building. 12th clue.
She went to brush my hair and was pulling all the hair out from her son's gf, and then she lysoled it. I informed her I could brush my own hair because it was just easier that way. She handed the brush to me FULL of brown hair from her son's gf. 13th clue. 
Is this story real? That's what I keep asking myself? Is this a nightmare of hair, does this happen to people??
Okay, so I brush out my hair. I can't really ever tell what my hair is like when it is wet, but I assumed it was fine. I saw a few spots that were questionable, but I tried not to get too worried, after all I'm the one who didn't pivot right when I walked in, even though I had that feeling.
She then cut my hair in the chair, and the way she cut it, I knew it was off, I knew it wasn't standard. Oh the son's gf was hanging around STILL because her haircut was.....bad. 14th clue.
So I was still dealing with her yelling at her and talking to her son's gf and daughter, not me at all. Kids are still running around my feet and getting into things, picking up my hair off the floor, etc. 
15th clue. I actually remember thinking while all this was going on, would any of my friends sit here? If this situation came upon them, what would they do. I imagined them storming out, or awkwardly sitting there like I was. I imagined them laughing at me hysterically as I sat and endured this abnormal situation.

So here I sat, getting my hair cut. They eventually left: the family audience, as she started to blow dry my hair, because the kids were just crying by that point because her daughter slapped the little girl. Yes parenting 101 from a pregnant 20 year old. Or 'knocked up' as her mom called her. (Nothing wrong with being 20 and pregnant,  but......there is something wrong with being a negligent mother, and that was very evident here.) Now when they left, I got an earfull. 16th clue. She began to tell me the adventures of her children. See her son, 'knocked up the skinny girl' and now he wants nuttin to do with her, so she done come and live with me, and I take care'ah her and her kid.
And my daughter she was sleeping around when she was 17, and finally got knocked up with some loser, and thats how we got her daughter, then she got involved with this deadbeat who just plays playstation all day and is 27. 
At this point I think I stuttered something like, "Oh wow, you guys should be a reality show."
She replied saying ya, cuz then they could finally pay their bills.
Then she proceeded to tell me enough details for me to write a book, how her daughter wouldn't listen to her that he was a loser, and he wouldn't tell her where he lived, and she wouldn't hear from him for weeks on end, and how her husband's daughter's friend's friend was friends with his ex-wife on fbook and found out he was back together with her, but supposedly together with her daughter too.
And I think at this point I said, "Oh I'm super boring, married planned pregnant at 24, first baby, no drama here."
I was just inserting dialogue when there was a pause. Dialogue that was pretty useless to her, because she just kept going. Then she had me stand up, and she said, "Oh Wow I gotta fix that."
17th clue. She re-cut my hair. Good thing I said 2 turned into 3 or 4.
She also told me the groupon phone was disconnected because they had not paid their bill on international calls??? 18th clue.

Then I was done. I stood up and asked her if I could tip through credit card, she said, "Oh no the front office doesn't do that." 19th clue.
She said, "Do ya gota check?"
So I wrote her a check tip.
Then I looked at my hair in the mirror and smiled, because it only had a few minor problems that I could deal with, it wasn't orange (only in one spot) and the stripes weren't too zebra, bigger than I like, and yellower than normal, but I didn't complain. I just walked outta there and took a deep breath that I still had hair 4 hours later.


Erica+Matson said...

Hair story...crazy. And he's going to be here soon!

Karissa said...

Oh. My. Gosh. Wow. I've sorta realized that alot of groupon's come from businesses that are struggling and need customers, so they put out a coupon. But then you show up and the place is a dump or the item is totally cheapo. Lame. So sorry about your hair! You should take a pic cuz now I'm curious :-)

Sending "baby come out" wishes your way!!! I remember those last couple weeks being tortuous.

Tyler + Nicole said...

I literally kept laughing out loud and Tyler was asking-why are you laughing?? That story was EPIC. You are a straight up trooper...don't know how you are so lucky to get out of that hair disaster mostly unscathed ;) but kudos! Oh the adventures of prego Brit in your posts! :)

Natalie said...

What a story! Sounds like Kentucky! I'm glad your hair is fine and you didn't die from some crazy disease. hahaha.

So excited for you to have that baby!! Good luck!!