Thursday, May 13, 2010

Whenever..

Sometimes I feel like blogging is supposed to be happy. And I know I have talked about this before. But today, for me it is not happy. I am so blessed. I have lost 6 or 7 pounds from going off sugar and exercising everyday. Our landlord sent us back 2 months rent that apparently we overpaid. So that's always a blessing. We have a beautiful house, now a garden, and a dishwasher and all the things I could ever want you know for a college student.

Except I can't see where the future is going. I don't know if we are going to be able to stay there, I don't know if I will get a job. Now it seems like we may move far away if I don't get a job here in Utah. It seems that everything is changing. And I worry. I wake up worrying. I go to sleep worrying. I have faith and hope but it still seems that I don't know where my future is going. I envy those stay at home moms. If I had a kid, I wouldn't have to worry about the job market, and we could just do what the plan of happiness wants. But, then that is giving up. And I could call the baby my 'I gave up child'. Or, 'I'm scared of life' baby.

Maybe this worry is teaching me something, no I think it is, I know it is.

This is why women are not main providers. Okay, that's a stereotype. But today it is true. I can't handle the stress of not having money. And its my fault. Its all my fault. At what point will I, a woman, break? Can I handle all of this? Can I be the provider of my family? I am sure I can, but up until the point I don't have a job, I worry and stress.
I say to Brad, "I'm trying not to stress."
He says, "Well you wouldn't be Brittany if you never stressed."

Now isn't that a standard I have set for myself......great...


But as I think about my purposes in life. I think that one of them is to be loved. And I am getting that. I could never ask for more. Brad would really do anything for me. And out of all the bad relationships I have had experience with I know that this one is good. I don't lie to myself either. I can make a good list and a bad list, and probably the only thing that would be on the bad list for Mr. Guitar would be that he doesn't take his garments out of his tshirts, then I end up washing his garments with his tshirts. And that's not even bad, that's just life. And it becomes something we joke about....and then he tackles me on the bed, and then...ya you don't want to hear about this.
I feel like I have other purposes too. I have opportunities to make differences in people's lives. I have an opportunity to be myself and make my weaknesses strengths, and my strengths even stronger. I have an opportunity to love others.

I have a purpose to love others and make people happy. I can do that. That doesn't cost anything, but time.
I have a family. And my purpose is to be a part of that family and contribute. In anyway I can.
I have the ability to nurture. That's my divine calling right? Isn't it? Shouldn't I do it? Isn't it all about what my job will be when I get a job? Teaching, that should really be changed to nurturing. Nurturing others.
I have a purpose here. Even if I worry to death. Some reason I am still alive.
And I guess, if I don't get a job/make money for my livelihood. I have a purpose, so that must not be my current purpose...I guess?
I want this dog. If Emma could come visit me for a week. I know I would be oh so happy. :) I don't really have a discussion about a purpose here.
I have friends, family, and a spouse, all whom I love forever. Forever ever.
And without them....I would have no purpose really.

3 comments:

Kristen said...

You don't me, I'm just a friend of Summer's and I clicked on the wrong blog link and then started reading. =o) But this caught my eye:

"If I had a kid, I wouldn't have to worry about the job market, and we could just do what the plan of happiness wants. But, then that is giving up. And I could call the baby my 'I gave up child'. Or, 'I'm scared of life' baby."

I love that you're being honest. We've all had these thoughts. But my dear, it is NOT giving up. Motherhood is TOUGH work. I have my degree, I've worked some great jobs, but being a stay-at-home mom is way more intense than any of that. And more rewarding. If you want something in life, do what you FEEL is best. Not what the world tells you. There will be time for jobs later (there really will be). I don't know your circumstances - maybe you HAVE to work to put your hubby through college. That's awesome too. But if you feel like you should/want to have a family now, do it. It will all work out. It's hard but it's amazing. I've been at the same place you are, with the same questions, and took the tough road of changing directions. I'm SO happy I did. There are a lot of questions that come up of "how?" But I've never talked to a mom who regretted the decision. Choosing to leave the workforce and be a mom is NOT giving up.

I'm done. Since you don't know me, you can't hate me for giving unsolicited advice. =o)

ps. The plan of happiness is called that for a reason.

pps. - If you like reading, there's a short, amazing book called "I am a Mother" by Jane Clayson. She was an amazing career woman and made the switch to a mom. It's funny too.

Kay now I'm really done. I won't be offended if you delete this. ;o)

Brittany Clark said...

That was great advice! I would never delete that comment! It makes me feel better, when Im really struggling! THanks! And Im summer's sister!

Kristen said...

Well nice to meet you! I knew a couple of your other sisters in high school too. Summer's a lot of fun and I can't wait to meet her new little girl. Good luck with your decisions!